That May Speech - the leaked first draft

Bloody hell, whose idea was it to book a venue ten sizes too big?. Good attention grabber, but something a bit more formal might play better. How about 'It's a great pleasure to be here in - where is it, again?'

Last year the Tories in Scotland finally kicked Labour into third place. Thanks mainly to the hard work of my dear friend, Ruth Harridan. Pretty sure it's Harrison? Get the intern to check. Since when she's been stuffing the SNP big time.  Good crowd pleaser, but don't give her too much credit. Your job's not that secure. And although we only have one MP in Scotland, luckily David Mundell is blessed with super powers and can leap tall buildings at a single bound. Are you taking his word for this? Better check it out.

The SNP are rubbish. All they ever do is fail at government. Scottish schools are nearly as bad as English ones. Might be best not to mention English schools at all. How about somewhere too far away for anyone to know better? Like Estonia? And they can't pay farm subsidies on time. What's worse, they don't like nukes and run their NHS more efficiently than we do. All of this means they are unfit to govern and I intend to take these powers away from them as soon as possible. Because we can't have a situation where Scotland is doing better at things than Westminster. People might realise how useless we are. Might be better to go for the "obsessed with independence" angle?

Scottish people deserve a First Minister who is focussed on delivering what I think they should have. "What they need". Because devolution is all very well when the devolved administration takes its orders from Westminster, the way it was originally intended. If it starts to do what the people want, then it becomes a threat to our precious union, and then it must be smashed to pieces for the good of all. "brought into closer harmony with the national government"

Because as British Prime Minister my power base is all that matters to me. We can't have bits of the UK opting out whenever they feel like it. Devolution was a catastrophic mistake that must be corrected. Scotland doesn't vote Conservative so it doesn't deserve a say in anything.  Might be best to tone this down. Emphasise the "precious union" and "mutual benefits of one people".

Britannia has a proud history of beating all the dirty foreigners into submission.  Don't dwell too much on the Empire, it could backfire PC-wise. Scotland can't deny it played a part in that, so your hands are as bloody as ours and we have to stick together for all eternity.  A tad jingoistic? Emphasise the shared tradition, get the intern to look up some Scottish achievements from the past, and doesn't that Harry Potter woman live in Edinburgh?

Britannia can be great again, in our new post-Brexit World of Opportunity. All the SNP want to do is pull Britain apart, which is why we intend to throw them all into internment camps as soon as we've abolished the Human Rights Act. Might be too soon for this announcement. Stick to business benefits, security, all that guff. NB Gordon got some good use out of "pooling and sharing" and "the broad shoulders of the UK".

Scotland has been allowed to get away with doing things better than us for long enough. Sod democracy, you're going to shut up and do what you're told. This is a fine sentiment but remember it's all the SNP's fault. Emphasise how they are "holding back" Scotland. Should play better in the business community.