But I want you to remember that this great nation of ours has faced worse calamities in our history. Take Dunkirk, for example. That marvellous defeat taught us all what it meant to be British. Even as we ran away from the enemy we were proud of our great nation. So don't be afraid. I want to give you some simple guidelines to help keep your pecker up as we soldier through this giant muddle together.
First, it's imperative that you wash your hands. I myself have washed my hands of every responsibility I've ever had, and I heartily recommend it.
STAY AT HOME. This is imperative. Doctors have told us for years that going outside in the sunshine and fresh air is incredibly dangerous so don't take the risk. We are giving the police special powers to arrest anyone outside, unless they have a good reason like being a son of the Queen or a member of the cabinet. Remember, these measures are for YOUR OWN GOOD, and anyone who disregards them must be psychotic and will be imprisoned indefinitely. We must use these draconian measures to protect the freedoms we all enjoy.
Now I know some of you love to visit your elderly and frail relatives, but that's got to stop too. They're far better off in solitary confinement, imprisoned in their bungalows, with the few pleasures they have in life curtailed, than having germ laden grandchildren invading their space. Have some consideration, and KEEP THEM SAFE.
Of course, even taking these necessary steps some of you will fall ill. In that case, it's even more important you self isolate and don't bother anyone, especially not the NHS who will be busy enough at this trying time. I know you've paid taxes all your life to pay for services like the NHS but now is not the time to quibble about politics. And whining that there aren't enough hospitals or ventilators is wholly inappropriate at this desperate time. STOP BEING SELFISH. THERE ARE PEOPLE WORSE OFF THAN YOU ARE, YOU KNOW.
Rest assured, in these difficult times my government will work tirelessly to give press conferences and issue confused and contradictory advice as the situation develops. It may be necessary to bring in some temporary emergency measures, like suspending elections and burying the Russian Interference report, but I can assure you these are imperative to protect my continued role as Prime Minister. Keep well, don't talk to strangers and above all, Keep Buying my Bullshit.
