First Minister Dame Imelda Sturrell takes time out from her busy schedule mourning the death of the Duke of Edinburgh to address Scotland's youth.
As you know it is my government's aim to make Scotland an open, equal and diverse place. But recently there have been some scurrilous accusations made that I want to address here and now. Firstly there is no place in our open, equal and diverse country for bigots who complain about young people being free to explore their sexuality in whatever form it takes. My government will renew its efforts to enable this, and I want to set out some of our initiatives here.
Firstly we have funded and sponsored a range of organisations dedicated to helping young people. These are listed below and can be contacted at any time.
To bring more diversity into our schools we have added some new books to the Little Learners Reading Scheme, such as "Fun With A Banana", "My Mum Has A Ladydick" and the award-winning "Uncle Barney Let Me Touch His Boa Constrictor".
Sadly there are those who want to obstruct this freedom and inclusion. Your parents are likely among them. If you do find the "Oldies" are cramping your style by for example imposing curfews or limiting the age of your sleepover pals feel free to call our Big Brother Bigot Helpline (Number below) where a friendly adviser will take all their details in complete confidentiality and send the police round immediately. (Don't worry, you'll still be able to visit them in jail - and it's better than living with a bigot, isn't it?)
In the meantime if you need to talk to someone about expressing your diversity phone any of the organisations below for free confidential advice.
Freaks in Frocks Foundation
Lusty Libidinous Lesbos
Bestiality Boutique
Nonces In Nappies
Questionable Queer Quango
Kiddyfiddlers R Us
Sex Offenders Register
