Lindsay Hoyle (Speaker): Now it's time for Kick The SNP, I mean Questions to the Secretary of State for Scotland, Mrs Ruth Davidson.
Voice from the shadows: She couldn't come.
Speaker: Aw, couldn't she? In that case, please give a warm Westminster welcome to Mr Andrew Jackboot.
Rapturous applause from antiquated recording device, abruptly switched off by a clerk.
Speaker: We're 'avin' none o' that. First question from the Shadow Secretary of State for Kicking the SNP, Ian Money. May God bless him and all who sail in him.
Murray: Thank you, Mr Speaker. And may I say how lovely you are looking in your gown and wig. It is my first time facing this Secretary of State at the despatch box and I just want to say Labour will do all it can to give constructive help to the government in kicking the SNP and undermine the Scottish Government. Does the Minister agree that Scotland is shit and anyone with any sense would be glad to get out of the place, as both he and I have done despite being told to work from home during a pandemic?
Jackboot: May I say I warmly welcome the Honourable Gentleman to his rightful place at the Despatch Box, he has been sadly missed during the dark days of Corbyn madness. I look forward to working with him to kick the SNP at every opportunity. Yes, I do agree that Scotland is shit and only worth the time of day when it's tacked onto the rest of the UK because we are Better and Stronger Together. I know the Honourable Gentleman and I are.
Murray: I thank the Minister for his kind words. But doesn't he agree that the Scottish Government is a disgrace and should be stopped by all means necessary?
Jackboot: Indeed, and it is a sad day that we here in this place are forced to waste tax payers money discussing how awful the Scottish Government is when this is a national scandal. Can I also add that the Honourable Gentleman is much better than Corbyn's lot and if I wasn't already married I'd be asking him out for a date.
Murray: I thank the Minister for that answer. But would he go further and agree that the SNP are ruining Scotland by making it better than the rest of the UK, and therefore causing a dangerous rift in our precious United Kingdom?
Jackboot: Indeed. As my butler used to say, the only good Nat is a dead Nat.
Laughter from the House.
Jackboot (waving away the adulation): But seriously, in these dangerous times it has never been more important to Stay Alert, Work from Home and travel 350 miles to your phoney baloney job to put the boot into the SNP.
