Thursday, 30 March 2017

Brexit: Whatever Next?

Brillo: Good evening, your Royal Toryness, and thank you most profoundly for agreeing to this interview on what has to be the most momentous day in the history of Englandland.

Treeza Maybe: You're welcome, Andrew. And please stop kissing my feet, it makes me uncomfortable.

Brillo: Tell us, Prime Minister, why did you campaign for Remain when you knew full well the European Union is an invention of the Devil?

TM: It is true I campaigned for Remain, as did many on both sides of the House and of the debate. But this isn't a time for recrimination. The nation has spoken. We have to move forward and come together as One Nation to get the best deal out of those slimy foreigners who've been holding us back long enough.

Brillo: Thank you for that answer. And now, if it isn't too much trouble, would you outline to our viewers what your next move will be?

TM: Can I say at the outset I do not intend to give a blow by blow account. To ensure we get the best possible deal for every single person in the UK the negotiations will have to be conducted in complete secrecy. In fact, the Brexit Secretary and other colleagues already haven't a clue what they are talking about, and this is hopefully how things will continue. Only in this manner can we be assured of reaching the best possible deal and avoiding any scrutiny, for which I make no apology.

Brillo: And how do you feel about having to spend time with those revolting EU negotiators?

TM:  Well, a Prime Minister's job isn't always pleasant. To quote a predecessor, I may be a weak and feeble woman but I have the heart and stomach of a lion.

Brillo: And marvellous you are too. Especially the legs. You beat that harpy Sturgeon hands down.

TM: Thank you. Of course I'm not at all concerned with appearances, but that was the effect I was going for. If she thinks she can get a referendum past me she can think again. She can't even win on the legs.

Brillo: (Drooling) Thank you, thank you, thank you. So, would you clarify for our viewers what the Great Repeal Bill is?

TM: No. It's very complicated and technical and it would only confuse them to even try and understand.

Brillo: Fair enough. And what about the Henry the Eighth Powers?

TM: Yes, that was Boris's idea. I don't read any history but apparently there was once a king of England called Henry the Eighth and he didn't bother with parliament, he just told people what to do and they either did it or were burned at the stake. So you can see why we all thought that would be a refreshing change from all the pointless argy-bargy in the House of Commons.

Brillo: I see. Well that sounds clear enough. Which leaves me with only one more question: when will I get my peerage?

TM: Now is not the time, Andrew.

Brillo: Ooh, I love it when she talks tough.

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