A Message To Scotland's Young People

 First Minister Dame Imelda Sturrell takes time out from her busy schedule mourning the death of the Duke of Edinburgh to address Scotland's youth.

As you know it is my government's aim to make Scotland an open, equal and diverse place. But recently there have been some scurrilous accusations made that I want to address here and now. Firstly there is no place in our open, equal and diverse country for bigots who complain about young people being free to explore their sexuality in whatever form it takes. My government will renew its efforts to enable this, and I want to set out some of our initiatives here.

Firstly we have funded and sponsored a range of organisations dedicated to helping young people. These are listed below and can be contacted at any time. 

To bring more diversity into our schools we have added some new books to the Little Learners Reading Scheme, such as "Fun With A Banana", "My Mum Has A Ladydick" and the award-winning "Uncle Barney Let Me Touch His Boa Constrictor".

Sadly there are those who want to obstruct this freedom and inclusion. Your parents are likely among them. If you do find the "Oldies" are cramping your style by for example imposing curfews or limiting the age of your sleepover pals feel free to call our Big Brother Bigot Helpline (Number below) where a friendly adviser will take all their details in complete confidentiality and send the police round immediately. (Don't worry, you'll still be able to visit them in jail - and it's better than living with a bigot, isn't it?)

In the meantime if you need to talk to someone about expressing your diversity phone any of the organisations below for free confidential advice.

Freaks in Frocks Foundation

Lusty Libidinous Lesbos

Bestiality Boutique

Nonces In Nappies

Questionable Queer Quango

Kiddyfiddlers R Us

Sex Offenders Register

Guest Post: The SNP

An Apology

It has come to our attention that in recent years we may have inadvertently given the impression that we support Scottish independence. The fact that people have jumped to this erroneous conclusion is not entirely their fault; we recognise that using such ambivalent phrases as  "It's time to choose our future", "Scotland's future: Independence in Europe"  and the publishing of the 'Eleven Point Plan to Independence' have opened the door to ambivalence and confusion. 

For this reason we now issue a complete and full apology. It was never our intention to mislead the people of Scotland in a cynical attempt to win votes and keep the party in power. For the avoidance of doubt it should be clear going forward that any fundraisers entitled "Donate for Indy" or "Scotland's Right to Choose" refer to the individual's right to choose their gender, and the right of every cross dressing sex predator to access women's spaces.

I hope this gives clarity to the situation.

Yours for Scotland,

Nicola Sturgeon

SNP (Stonewall and Nonces Party)