Monday, 13 March 2017

Are You Addicted To The UK?

Our resident Agony Aunt writes:

Recently I found this heart rending letter in my mailbag:

Dear Auntie Sandra, 
I would dearly love to live in an independent Scotland, but I just can't break my addiction to the United Kingdom. Every time I think of joining the SNP or voting Yes I come out in cold sweats and trembling with horrible images of Jim Sillars and Alistair Darling on my television set. Please help,Desperate of Larbert 
 Shocking as it may seem, Desperate of Larbert's addiction is not at all uncommon. But sadly, because of the shame associated with it, many hide their symptoms from family and friends, making it almost impossible to get them the help they so desperately need.

So, how do you know if you or someone close to you is a Yoon addict?

You may quite like day trips to London and watching the Changing of the Guard, but does that mean you are addicted?

Like all addictions, there are varying degrees of dependancy, but generally speaking it is only when it interferes with your ability to do what is best for Scotland that it is considered an addiction.

Let's look at a typical case. K is a young healthy woman in her thirties living a normal life as leader of Scottish Labour. It would never occur to her to do anything to harm Scotland, but on the issue of a second independence referendum her attitude is completely irrational. She would do anything to prevent a vote,  even if it saved her country from the disaster of continued Tory rule and a hard Brexit.

Another case is W., whose addiction has reached such an extreme stage he is now making frankly insane claims that 'the SNP didn't win the 2016 election' and 'the Libdems speak for the people of Scotland'.

Of course, not all addicts exhibit such extreme symptoms. Other common tell-tale signs are:

Call 999 immediately if you dress like this.

  • displaying or dressing up in the Union Jack 

  • whistling God Save The Queen in the shower

  • joining Scotland In Union

  • ranting incoherently about GERS figures, even when you don't even know what they are

So, what should you do if you or a friend are addicted?

Of course, the most extreme cases should always seek professional help, but for the milder Yoon addict here's my...

Cut-Out-And-Keep-Guide to curing your Yoon Addiction: 

  1. Make a list of all the things that annoy you about the Union. Whether it's unelected tory governments overruling the Scottish parliament and reneging on The Vow, or online abuse from swivel eyed Brexiteers, keep your list pinned where you can see it often. (It will probably be quite long so make sure you have a large sheet of paper).
  2. Make a plan of all the things Scotland will be free to do if it were an independent country. Like, allowing foreigners to come here or getting the government we vote for. (Again, this will likely be a long list).  Imagine how empowered you will feel, knowing your vote counts and your representative won't just be laughed out of parliament for having a silly accent.
  3. Remove all newspapers, tv and radio until you have the situation under control. Experts believe 99.9% of Yoon addiction is caused by exposure to biased pro-Yoon media, and the remaining 0.1% from being invited to a royal garden party.
  4. Join a support group. Seek out Yes groups in your area, and if you're feeling strong enough read pro-Indy blogs like Wings over Scotland. But steer clear of social media until you feel past the point of relapse as they are hotspots of Yoon craziness.
  5. Tell your friends and family. This may be hard, especially if they are addicts too, but who knows you might even inspire them to get themselves clean too!

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