Sunday, 22 September 2019

Guest Post: Jo Swinson

Wow. Just back from conference, head still buzzing from all the positivity. What a great team we're getting together with Chuka and all the other rejects and refugees, proving what a truly diverse broad church party of ambitious professionals the Libdems are. There's no doubt in my mind we are on course to win a sweeping landslide at the imminent General Election. Every polls show we have are on course to win thousands of seats and that's before we even get out there on the campaign trail!

And it's no wonder the British people are flocking to our party in their millions. Brexit is a failed project nobody wants. As I frequently explained to Prime Minister David Cameron, when I was part of his Coalition government, the EU is brilliant for our country and brings many benefits, such as a steady supply of minimum wage East European nannies and fridge loads of cheap Prosecco.  I know that's what matters to the man in the street, not who got most votes in a referendum.

Yes, I was in the Coalition. I'm sorry but I make no apology for supporting Austerity and propping up the most right wing government since the War. Tories are not all bad, especially those ones who have lost their party whip and are flocking to the Libdems. Margaret Thatcher was a great parliamentarian and should be honoured. When I'm prime minister I will erect statues to her memory in every town centre. That's part of my radical approach to changing Britain and embracing a new politics. Britain is crying out for change. And it's nearly three months since we had a female prime minister. We're long overdue another one.

Of course combining the demands of high office and motherhood won't be easy. Westminster is still very much a boy's club despite changes I spearheaded in bringing babies into the workplace. It takes dedication, commitment and focus. A nanny helps too. But I spend every moment I can with my children, thingy and whatsisname. Gender equality is an issue close to my heart, as I explain in my book You Can Have It All If You Talk The Loudest.

Polls tell us millions of young people yet unborn are now flocking to the Libdems. This is largely due to our groundbreaking green credentials. We must cherish this planet of ours. The world is facing a terrifying imminent threat from global warming that will spoil the life chances of the next generation. When little Thingy and her brother grow up I don't want them turning to me and asking why I stood back and did nothing to save the planet. So I pledge today that my first act on entering Downing Street, after revoking Article 50, will be to tackle global warming in every way possible. So long as it doesn't conflict with the interests of our fracking company donors, of course. 

Boris Johnson and Jeremy Corbyn are unfit to lead our great nation. We need to break the old politics and forge a way forward with new ideas and bold initiative. I'm not looking to be in a coalition with either of the main washed up parties. Although obviously I wouldn't turn down an offer from Boris in a time of crisis, which this definitely is.



Thursday, 19 September 2019

For The Retard

For the next 20 weeks Happy Haverings is delighted to serialise selected extracts from the memoirs of Britain's Worst Ever Prime Minister (to date), David Macaroon.

No, it's not Adonis. Although you'd be forgiven for thinking so. With looks like these there was never any doubt I was destined for a life in the spotlight. 'You're a beautiful boy,' nanny always used to say as she scrubbed my face clean.  And I'd have to be a churlish sort of chap to deny it.

Not having the brains to learn lines and remember where I was supposed to stand I couldn't go for a career as a film star, although I was sorely tempted by some of the rampant totty one gets to hang around with. And there's only so long you can pose for holiday snaps before it gets interminably dull. Then I saw Tony Blair address his party conference and thought, that's a jolly good wheeze for a looker. I won't have to learn any lines, they scroll them up on one of those tv screen thingies. Just the sort of thing for a chap like me.

 So here's me coming of age with some pretty decent sorts after a Bullingdon bash. Say what you like about Oxbridge they do know how to give a chap like me a sense of entitlement. Too squiffy to recall who this lot were, but I'm obviously the Belle of the Ball and making quite an impression.

I've always been a hit with the ladies which is why I insisted on having plenty of them in the cabinet. It helps to have someone to make the tea and mix a cocktail in an emergency.

Here's me and my old fellow Bullingdon Boris De Piffle enjoying some good natured "It's all his fault" rivalry. Boris and I enjoy a pretty healthy sort of relationship despite him being a conniving backstabbing bounder of the lowest water.  I certainly wouldn't trust him with the nanny after lights out as they say in the army. The odd thing about Boris is he's a big fan of the EU yet decided to support Leave in the EU Referendum campaign for the sole reason of upstaging me. Of course this was a hopeless ambition since he can't hold a candle to my stunning good looks. It's pretty clear from this photograph exactly which of us the camera loves. I only hope everyone realises he's the real villain and the cause of Brexit, and not me although I was the bloke who called the referendum without any strategy other than looking bloody good in a navy blue suit. 


The reason the whole Brexit debacle went awry was partly because I thought I'd cracked the whole referendum thingy after giving Salmond a good cuffing in 2014. What a slippery piece of work he is, photographed here stealing my watch out from under my very nose in front of the media. One thing I learned from the independence referendum is you can never trust a Scotsman. When the campaign started we were cruising along with support for independence in the 20 percentiles. But by the last week someone had been showing Braveheart or something because I realised to my horror that support had jumped to over 50%. At that point I had to roll up the old sleeves and turn on the famous Macaroon charm, and after a few hours on the phone lines threatening grannies they'd lose their pensions the Better Together campaign was back on track again.

And just as soon as we'd bagged a victory I got out behind the lectern again and announced English Votes for English Laws, another stunning policy success. The last thing we English need is uppity Scotsmen like Salmond poking their noses into our laws. That's the reason our United Kingdom is so strong and will endure for a thousand years.

Which brings me to another Scotsman I learned I couldn't trust, and this betrayal was particularly painful as I'd taken him into my home and treated him as an equal. Here he is no doubt lining up the dagger to stick in my back. All those years we were sharing barbecues and cutting the welfare state together and all the while he was planning to usurp me with the loathsome de Piffle. Of course I got the last laugh when he stabbed Boris in the back too, and I've still got his lawnmower which he can whistle for.

Next week: Ten things to do with a pig for relaxation, or eleven if you eat it.

Saturday, 21 July 2018

On Holiday with the Maybot




Breakfast


Philip: Tea or coffee?
Maybot: I've been very clear I have ruled nothing in or out at this point in time.
Philip: How about some jam on your toast?
Maybot: As I have repeatedly said, our precious union leads the world in fruit preserves of all kinds. That is not going to change. 


An Alpine hike


Philip: Fabulous view!
Maybot: We are aware of all the environmental factors and will deal with them in due course.
Philip: Is that a kestrel?
Maybot: The careless slaughter of animals is an issue I am well aware of and will be legislated for as we leave the EU. Freedom of movement for predatory species will have to end.




A Day at the Races


Phil the Greek: Who the fuck are you?
Maybot: We are creating a hostile environment for anyone who cannot provide papers, documents and signed affidavits proving they have right to live in the UK.  
Phil the Greek: Call your henchmen off, I'm the fucking Duke of Edinburgh!
Maybot: All appeals will be heard through the normal channels. 


Watching the Telly


Philip: Stand a bit closer to the set, luv, the picture's getting clearer.
Maybot: I have been clear ...I have been clearer...
Philip: Oh shit, the signal's interfering with your circuits.
Maybot: Strong and stable...I have been clear...we are leaving the Customs Union...


Thursday, 24 May 2018

Spot the Difference Competition

Minister Caroline Noclue from the Department for Sending 'Em Back wows the Scottish Affairs Committee:

Minister Caroline Noclue from the Department for Sending 'Em Back wows the Irish Affairs Committee:


Sunday, 22 April 2018

Whisper It: Could Scotland Live Without Stephen Daisley?

A rare photo of Daisley whose vast bulk makes him almost
unphotographable.

From out Daisley correspondent.

Fed up with Daisley? Frustrated with a corporate hack who ponces around the internet like a real journalist? Had your fill of mediocre articles, unionist whining and endless bitching about the SNP?

Many Independence supporters think Scotland would be better off without Daisley, controversially claiming his job could easily be done by a monkey with a typewriter. And not a very bright monkey at that.

Not surprisingly Daisley and his Tory mates are quick to rubbish the suggestion, but would it really be such a bad thing?

A slimline baby Daisley showed so much
promise but couldn't stop eating.
Born in 1985, Daisley showed much promise and was the apple of his family's eye. Thirty three years on Daisley stands as a half fulfilment of a promise. He was meant to remedy the 'journalistic deficit'  whereby most Scots wanted to read positive stories about their country but were lumbered with a constant stream of Too Poor, Too Wee, Too Stupid propaganda. 

But despite all his opportunities Daisley remains a third rate hack pursuing his own anti SNP agenda and whining about victimisation when he victimises his own country on a daily basis. Despite Scots voting overwhelmingly for devolution and the obvious successes of the SNP Scottish Government, tory boy Daisley dreams of abolishing it to satisfy his unionist wet dream.

Scotland doesn't need Daisley. It's about time he started listening to what the majority of Scots want instead of filling unionist papers with his garbage.




Guest Post: Looking On The Bright Side With Esther McVey

Cuts to benefits

Don't worry if you can't afford to feed yourself or your family. You're probably needing to lose a bit of weight anyway so it's all for the best.

Victim of rape

Lucky for you the government provides benefits assessors who want to know all the hideous details of your rape. Look on it as a good chance to have a natter and get things out in the open.

Being eaten by wild animals

Who wouldn't want to do their bit for wildlife?

Victim of the Black Death

An escape from grinding poverty. There was nothing much to do in the Middle Ages anyway.

Having your leg sawn off in a saw mill

Think of the money you'll save on shoes.

Monday, 9 April 2018

Guest Post: A Westminster Diary by Pete Wishywashy

Monday

Can you guess which one I am?

Back at my Westminster office after a hectic weekend in the constituency. It's always a pleasure to meet my 'Ain folk' especially since I'm something of a celebrity in Perth, as well as elsewhere. Did I mention I was once a pop star in rock super group Runrig? Yes, not many people realise I'm the only MP who ever appeared on Top of the Pops. And people say politics is boring!

But it's back to business. First there's my correspondence. Of course I have a staff who read incoming mail and draft and send all my responses, but signing all those fan letters does take its toll on the old wrist. Just as well I'm not playing keyboards any more, at least not for a living. That's the downside of celebrity, that and being recognised and asked for autographs, but when you've been part of a rock legend band like Runrig you have to learn to live with it.

My mail is all sent out on House of Commons headed paper, and I like to personalise mine with:

From the office of Pete Wishywashy 
ex-Runrig rock superstar 
SNP MP for somewhere in Perth
Chairman of Scottish Affairs Select Committee

    I think people appreciate the personal touch.

Tuesday

The business in the House of Commons gets going again. There may be debates in the chamber, or meetings of the Scottish Affairs Select Committee, a group of MPs, of whom I am chairman, who investigate lots of things important to Scotland. Like when will Runrig re-form and go on tour again (Just kidding! I couldn't cope with all those days on the road. It takes a terrible toll on your family life although it's great to play live and meet the fans).

I do love a good debate in the house of House of Commons, and with all my experience as a former rock star I have a natural advantage presenting my best side to the many cameras that film proceedings. Despite our party differences we all have a good laugh, and I make it a priority to entertain as well as put forward the party line, whatever it is. After all, I am an entertainer by profession. I do think it's important to bring your unique talents and skills to politics. Which is why I'm so proud to be a member of Commons' own multi party pop group, Sad Old Hasbeens. Politics is a tough old job so we have to let off steam somehow.

Wednesday

It's All Hands on Deck for Prime Minister's Questions. This is a weekly event when the PM takes questions from other MPs. It does generate a lot of media interest so attendance is mandatory, but other than sitting there grunting and guffawing there isn't a lot for me to do, so I often bring along my earphones and listen to some old Runrig tunes to alleviate the boredom. If you watch me closely you might just catch my foot tapping or my head nodding.

Once a month there's Scottish Office Questions where the Secretary of State for Scotland, David Mundell, takes questions from MPs. That's slightly less boring as I often get to ask a question.  The SNP make up the largest contingent of Scottish seats at Westminster which is why most of their questions are ignored and laughed at anyway, so the whole thing is just a waste of time.

Thursday

My good friend the Speaker, Mr John Bercow,  has scheduled a debate today on the Internet and Fake News. I love social media and actively participate on Twitter, but the Indy Movement does seem to have attracted an unsavoury element lately, an issue I touched on in my articles in the Record, the Courier, the Press and Journal and (hopefully) the Telegraph. As I said on my blog, we have to learn to discuss and listen to others' opinions and not just react angrily to what others say. For Heaven's Sake, we all want the same thing, don't we?

For example, I recently attracted the ire of the Cybernats by suggesting there is no point in having another independence referendum until it's a dead cert to win which could be next year or (more likely) never.  I was accused of all sorts of nasty things, in language I've never encountered even when we toured with Bob Geldof. Someone even had the nerve to call me a 'poster boy for Scotland in Union'!  Needless to say I blocked all these naysayers. As Bob Dylan once said to me in an intimate backstage moment, "You can't please all the people all the time, and those arseholes aren't worth the bother." 

Friday

Dressed for a night on the town. What's not
to love about London?
Of course I want Scotland to be independent, but the last thing we need is to lose another referendum and, more importantly, my seat. Those who accuse me of being a 'poster boy' for Scotland in Union overlook the fact that I'm a poster boy for Runrig first and foremost. Did I mention I was once in Runrig?

So it's back to the constituency for the weekend, or if I'm lucky enough to have booked a show I can have a weekend in good old London Town. I love London. It's so full of great things to do and see, just the ticket for a hardworking MP and rock legend like me.