Boris's Guide To Johnny Foreigner

It was never about my career. The whole reason I supported Brexit was to make England great again. Because England is the greatest country on God's Green Earth, bar none.

Some of you have reacted less than enthusiastically to my elevation to Foreign Secretary which I must say is entirely unfair. I'm a cosmopolitan renaissance man from way back. Just because I'm a staunch lover of all things English doesn't mean I can't enjoy all the attractions of the wider world, as I'm frequently telling my Thai masseuse.  I drink Italian coffee, happily munch my way through Chinese and Indian takeaways, and always have a French letter in my breast pocket.

But of course, being Foreign Sec means having to deal with Johnny Foreigner himself. And that's a whole other kettle of ballgames. Because your Foreigner isn't like an Englishman. There are profound differences that need to be overcome if meaningful dialogue can occur. And it's not just the fact that some of them are too lazy to learn English. They have odd habits, and can be bloody minded to the point of rudeness.  Honestly, I've met some of them so I know what I'm talking about.

Luckily, I'm just the man to know how to handle them which is probably why our latest hot totty PM couldn't wait to get on the blower and get me on board. Here's my guide to Johnny Foreigner:

Americans
Barely foreign, in fact apart from the duskier hued and hispanics, they could almost be English except for their stubborn refusal to spell words like colour and aluminium correctly.

French
Lazy, duplicitous cowards. Also appallingly ungrateful for the fact England baled them out of two world wars. If it wasn't for the cheese and wine I'd avoid them entirely.

Africans
Best avoided as they have a lot of gibberish languages and chips on their shoulders and make an awful fuss about running mumbo jumbo land when everyone knows England ran it miles better.

Germans
Damn cheek, the arrogance of the Germans knows no bounds. They even think they are entitled to run Europe which is the main reason I supported Brexit. Who won the bloody war?!

Italians 
Even lazier and more cowardly than the French, if that's at all possible.

Arabs
Say what you like about the towel heads, they do know how to keep order. We could do with a bit more amputation in our criminal justice system.

Irish/Scots
Ungrateful drunkards, constantly whining despite England's overly indulgent generosity. And hardly ever sober enough to stand up straight.