Tuesday, 9 August 2016

Live Coverage From the Oust Corbyn Championships

An improbably slick and over lit studio:

Impossibly Glamorous Anchor: And now sporting news, and we cross to the Oust Corbyn Championships where Gormless Reporter has been getting up to speed on all today's action...

(Cut to wet Gormless Reporter clutching a mike in the rain)

IGA: Hello, Gormless. You look a little damp...

GR: Hello, and welcome to sunny somewhere too dull to remember. Yes, it's been chucking down all day here, but luckily all the action's been indoors.

IGA: A bit more playful banter, sharply curtailed to get on with the report.

GR: (Fake laughter) Yes, indeed.

IGA: Tell us a bit about this year's contender. Is he going to be the one to finally Oust Corbyn?

GR: Well, he's a bit of an outsider, Owen Smith. He seems to have come from nowhere and claims to have not done any training for this competition, although I've heard rumours he's been training on the fly for about a year. He talks a good talk, but it remains to be seen whether he can walk the walk.

IGA: Can he walk?

GR: Yes, indeed he can. On the face of it he has a strong hand and as a former shadow cabinet minister he already has a foot in the door. On the podium he can punch out a lot of media friendly sound bites and fake sincerity, there seems to be no limit to his meaningless platitudes. But I have to say Corbyn seems completely unfazed and even after hours of Smith's droning on looks the more relaxed of the pair.

IGA: And I hear there's been a bit of argument over the rules.

GR: That's right. The sport's governing body had ruled that only they could decide who could decide on who was the winner, but it now seems they can't decide on who can decide, only a High Court judge can decide.

IGA: Sounds like a decisive moment.

GR: It has certainly raised a few eyebrows.

IGA: And what do you predict will be the decision?

GR: Ah, as Mystic Meg once said, I'm not in the prediction business. But it's bound to be one or other of them.

Cut to studio. 

IGA turns to a screen where we see a bespectacled Expert sitting in a studio in front of a backdrop of somewhere interesting.

IGA: Joining us from Somewhere Interesting University is Ron Expert, a professor of This Sort of Stuff. Professor Expert, listening to that report, why do you think it's so hard for these newcomers to Oust Corbyn?

Professor Expert: Good evening. Well, as you know, I chaired a committee last year investigating the ramifications of a post-Corbyn scenario, taking into account all the stakeholder options and worst case outcomes. We met for six months and have only recently published our findings, and we found conclusively that the long term effect of deindustrialization and under investment in the neglected areas of the North, West, parts of the East and most especially in the Midlands would lead eventually to a devastating fiscal shortfall in real terms.

IGA: I see. That's just bollocks, isn't it?

PE: Pretty much, yes. 

IGA: Thank you, Professor Expert. (To camera) So, there we have it. Another exciting day's sport at the Oust Corbyn Championship, but only time will tell. Now over to ZZZZ with the weather....

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