Tonight on BBC Jockland:
The Great British 'Bash the SNP' , a new reality show based on all the old reality shows, where we invite some attention seeking loser onto live tv to put the boot into Scotland's ruling party.
And here's your host, Gordon Brouhaha...
GB: Tonight I'm delighted to welcome top Scottish whinger and tiresome old fart, Jim Sillyarse.
Jim, welcome to The Great British Bash the SNP.
Jim Sillyarse: What time are you bringing the tea round? I'm gasping to wet my whistle. And don't put out those jammy dodgers again they get stuck in my top plate.
GB: Yes, of course. But you've got more reason than most people to hate the SNP, haven't you, Jim?
JS: Well, I've said all along Strachan's useless. He's only in the job because there's nobody else, except maybe my auntie's Jack Russell. But then Jack Russell wasn't a patch on me when I managed Scotland. Of course back in those days the unions had a lot more power than they do now.
GB: Well, quite. But turning to fracking, you've gone on record as saying fracking is the best idea since sliced bread and everyone should be fracking in their back garden. Do you stand by that?
JS: I wouldn't stand by it. I wouldn't stand for it. Those fracking quarries get very muddy and I only have the one pair of shoes since the social cut my benefits. I can't afford to boil a kettle to heat my hot water bottle, and it's a scandal Scotland is such a cold country despite having all those electricity pylons. Surely the SNP could organise a bit of global warming here when there's plenty of it everywhere else.
GB: Indeed. Turning to the independence question. When do you think the SNP should call another referendum?
JS: We lost it, you know. We'll never win a referendum until Scotland votes for Richard Leonard. He'd make a much better leader of the SNP. Reminds me of myself, only less handsome.
GB: So do you think it would be a mistake for Nicola Sturgeon to call another referendum?
JS: Oh, yes. The EU is a dreadful thing. Scotland doesn't need all those subsidies or foreigners coming here. That Junker reminds me of someone I killed in the war.
GB: Wonderful. And what do you think of Nicola Sturgeon's leadership?
JS: Well, she's rubbish. I mean she's the best they've got, but only because the rest of them are so bad. There's been nobody any good in the SNP since I stopped being vice- somethingorother. I mean did you see her coughing her way through her conference speech? And then somebody handed her a P45. Bloody embarrassing it was. People as clueless as that should be kept off the telly, in my opinion.