Refereeing is important because people are basically untrustworthy and need someone to keep them in line. Can you imagine a world without referees? No, neither can I. It doesn't bear thinking about.
My refereeing informs my politics, and that's why I am a Scottish Conservative. Without a strong Westminster government the UK would fall apart. Inferior races like we Scots are simply not capable of organising ourselves. But I don't like to dwell on politics very much, it usually just causes a lot of unpleasantness. Only recently a car full of complete strangers hurled abuse at me as they drove past, and that had nothing to do with me reporting them for parking illegally, a job every public spirited individual should do with pride, but because they can sense my moral superiority and it threatens them.
|Even at my part time job I daydreamed about refereeing.|
Sadly my boyhood ambition was not to be. But as an avid admirer of the constabulary I often hang out at the police station to enjoy the atmosphere of order and testosterone. At least I did until the Chief Constable asked me not to.
I stood for the Scottish Parliament because, being a referee on my feet all day it seemed the ideal job, getting paid to sit down for a change in a nice warm comfortable room. Plus expenses. Plus they have SKY Sports on the refectory tv.
|At Holyrood the seats are so comfy I didn't bother leaving|
the chamber to go to the toilet.
|Now I'm important everyone wants a|
selfie with me. Like this bloke.
Whoever he is.
But now I'm an MP in the Mother of Parliaments. It's great, I get to go to London just like a real politician. I thought it might be hard at first but if anything it's easier, all I do is walk down the lobby the whips tell me to and say my name. I don't know what the other MPs make such a fuss about, there's nothing to it. Refereeing is much much harder.
|It is always easy to find Ruth's house.|
But they won't let me blow my whistle. That's the only down side.