" Scottish Labour has always been big," said party leader, Kezia Desmond, posing on the grand staircase at Labour's headquarters on Sunset Boulevard. "It's Scotland that got small."
Dugmond was answering questions on the future of her party's Scottish Branch Office following its trouncing in last week's local elections. "Labour is now the second party in Scotland," she said, going on to explain that by 'second' she meant 'second to the runners up, the Ruth Davidson UKIP Memorial Party'.
"The SNP are in steep decline," said Desdale. "They can barely scrape together enough votes to take over from Labour in councils the length and breadth of the country. And by country I mean the United Kingdom which Scotland will always be a part of. The SNP are finished. Nobody votes for them any more. It's only a matter of days, or even hours, or even minutes before Scotland rejects them completely and comes flocking back to Labour. We are confident of winning every seat in Scotland. The surge is coming. I can hear it when I'm lying awake in my bed at night. The roar of the crowd, the adoring fans, the swell of the orchestra. Yes. They're still out there, all those Labour voters. They're coming. Those wonderful Labour voters out there in the dark. ...Alright Mr Roden, I'm ready for my close up."