Scotland was reeling in gratitude today at the announcement BBC Scotland is to be replaced by a new improved version, BBC Jockland.
Said Director General Tony Hall, "We've had a whip round and thanks to the extraordinary generosity of people south of the border we can now spend a few more bob on the BBC Scotland budget. This represents a coup for Scottish broadcasting as it means we can spring for a few added extras, like a new frock for Jackie Bird and extended coverage of the BBC Jockland Hogmanay Special, despite the fact hardly anyone watches it.
"People in North Britain should be grateful, and stop complaining about the BBC which we know they actually love really. It is my hope this gesture will make them realise what a national treasure the BBC is and cough up their license fee like decent people in the rest of Britain."
New shows, reflecting the culture of modern Scotland, are already in the pipeline and should go to air in time to nobble the next Independence Referendum.
The Great Scottish Rip-Off
Loosely based on The Great British Bake-Off, Director General Tony Hall has only six weeks to convince a team of ordinary Scots viewers that his revamped TV channel represents value for their license fee money, despite investment lagging behind Wales and Northern Ireland.
Neil Oliver's History of Jockland
Filmed entirely on location in New Zealand, Scotland's favourite long-haired pretend historian walks around a lot looking sidelong at the camera and complaining about how nationalism has ruined his native country.
Who Do These Jocks Think They Are?
Each week a well known Scottish expatriate explores their Scottish roots while explaining why they couldn't wait to leave and now hate being reminded of it. Guests lined up so far: Michele Mone and Andrew Neil.