So, how it all started was, me and my mate Denise - that's Denise over there in the purple boob tube - Hi Denise! Been to Top Shop? Really suits you, luv! - anyway, where was I? There was me and Denise and these blokes from Exeter - well, they said they was from Exeter but they didn't sound like it to me - anyway we're all up the Dog an' Duck and it was Happy Hour an' we're all gettin' merry, as you do, an' my mate Denise says how about doin' somethin' for a laff. An' I said wot. An' she said put your bra on back to front. But I can't really do that cos I get terrible back ache without a bra on so one of the blokes from Exeter - Trevor, I think he said his name was - or was it Kevin? He reminded me of my sister's boyfriend Kevin. Not her current boyfriend, her last but one boyfriend. Dead ringer, he was. Anyway this bloke Kevin says Hey I got a great idea why not put your name down for the election? An' I said wot election? An' e' said the General Election. An' at first I have to say I was not at all keen cos I don't really like politics, an' I said it's dead boring you must be jokin'. An' he said, no you'll have a great time, it's all mouthin' off and you don't need no qualifications nor nothin'. An' Happy Hour was just endin' and we had half hour before Donnegans opened so we went round and done it. I'm mad, I am.
So, it's a mad place this Westminster. It's got all these like weird customs and stuff. There's this bloke in a long gown called a Speaker, an you have to watch he don't tell you off cos he can send you out of the chamber if you like piss him off too much. And there's all these really petty rules. Like you're apparently not supposed to phone your mates during debates or put your feet on the bench in front which I didn't realise so that was dead embarrassing. It's kind of like being back at school, but you are allowed to shout and make animal noises, which I quite like. Just like bein' in the home stand on cup final day. So that's helped me feel at home. An' I thought it was gonna be all stuffy and lots of posh old blokes, and it's true there are a lot of them but there's lots of cool people an' all an' we have a good laugh sometimes.
The best thing about being an MP is doin' interviews on the telly. You get all your make up done for you and sometimes they even have this thing called Hospitality an' that means free booze in this place called the Green Room an' there's loads of dead interesting stars and celebrities there an all. It's like Happy Hour at the Dog an Duck, but with important people. I love it, me. Sometimes by the time I get on I've forgotten what it was I was gonna say.
Anyhow there's this one time in the week that's not dead boring and that's Prime Minister's Questions. It's when David Cameron has to get up and answer all these questions, which sounds dead boring, but it's not because he's really clever and doesn't bother answering the questions he just says something funny about Jeremy Corbyn or the SNP. We all get a good laugh at that, except it does get a bit boring when Jeremy Corbyn gets up cos he keeps losing the place and forgetting his lines and people heckle him a lot which isn't nice to see. Me mate, Yvette, she says I really shouldn't join in with the heckling and I suppose she's right but I just want him to sit down and let David Cameron get up an say somethin funny again. I like a good laugh, me.
So last week I got the chance to get up and ask David Cameron a question. Yeah. Me! You'da been dead proud if you'd seen me. I stood up and everybody went really quiet and I was dead nervous and wanted to sit down again but my mate Yvette had wrote the question for me on the back of one of her old Benson & Hedges packets so I just let rip. It was about keeping womens refuges open. I'm not really much interested in politics as such, but that is one subject close to me heart cos most of me mates would have nowhere to live if they closed the refuges. So I remembered what Yvette said about 'once more with feeling', and I put a dead emotional "Please, please, pleeeease" on the end of me question. It was dead moving and everybody seemed to really love it.
Course it won't make any difference but I might get asked back to do Question Time off the back of it.