Thank you, Friends.
Today is truly an historic moment. And I don't just throw that word around the way the vile nationalists do when they sweep the board and take more votes than anyone ever has in Scotland. No, I use it in the good, British way. The way that stands for the Union.
Union. That's a great word isn't it? (Unless of course it refers to gangs of uppity subversives trying to undermine our democracy.) No, I see Union in the good, British sense of taking your taxes and resources in return for wise rule. For centuries Scotland has seen the glorious benefits of being managed by another country. Benefits such as the Highland Clearances, the Poll Tax and Margaret Thatcher. These are the glory days I want to restore as Leader*.
Because this moment is truly historic. Not historic in the sense of having anything to do with national pride, but the good British sense of knowing one's place in the Empire and sticking to it. The Nationalists will have you believe that to be Scottish you have to love Scotland. But I say, No. To be a true lover of Scotland you have to love Westminster. Only then can you see how weak and fragile is this precious thing called Scotland, how poor and useless and needy. Scotland needs my strength, and I will not let the vile Nationalists poison it with any more of their positivity. Scotland cannot survive without the generosity of our imperial masters in Westminster, and as Leader* I will do all in my power to see that never ends.
Scotland is a wonderful country. And not just for holidays or shooting parties or even investment opportunities. No, I mean in the good British way of being the northernmost bit nobody every mentions or thinks about until an election is looming. That's a tradition to be proud of and on this historic day I vow to keep it alive.
*Leader of the Opposition