We've all sampled the shortbread and the whiskey.
We've all laughed at the incomprehensible accent.
Some of the best people (no prizes for guessing who I mean, Ma'am) have estates there.
But what is Scotland really like?
Tonight on This Is Weak, I, the most famous and important son of Scotland ever to grace your television screen, offer the definitive guide to Scotland.
There, that's me on the right. Gorgeous, eh? But let me tell you, not every Scot is so beautiful. In fact the vast majority of them are downright hideous.
I had that Alex Salmond in the studio once and let me tell you he's a real bullfrog. And that's after hours of make up. As you can see I don't need any, but as Scotland's bard once said, 'Fair fae your honest, sonsie face'. Whatever that means.
But back to Scotland. It's a land of lochs and mountains. At least it used to be before the SNP got into power and turned the whole country into a raving socialist dystopia. Now all the mountains have to have unpronounceable Gaelic names and you can get arrested for calling a loch 'lake', the proper English word for it.
|Unique among Scots, I own literally dozens of books.|
And it doesn't end there. SNP incompetence reaches into every aspect of everyday life in Scotland. Irrefutable statistics, just thrust into my hand by a researcher, prove conclusively that buses and trains are regularly late. Old ladies regularly forget where they left their glasses, even when they were on their heads all the time. Schools regularly collapse. Sheep often get out of fields onto roads. Bridges are regularly closed due to high winds or bits falling off them. And all the SNP can say in response to this is the feeble 'We'll build another one'.
|Despite Diane Abbot's cleavage trying to upstage me I'm still the |
most gorgeous thing in this picture.
So, in conclusion, Scotland may be pretty on the postcards but it is rapidly going to hell in a hand basket. Luckily those few of us who did manage to reach the pinnacle of academia in the days when it counted for something escaped to civilisation. If I were you I'd stay home, pour yourself a Scotch to go with your shortbread and watch me on the telly instead. It's better than Horlicks.