When I came to Birmingham this week the biggest question on my mind was 'How can I make it look like I give a toss about Britain when all I want is to save the tory party from electoral oblivion?"
Do I have a plan? Yes, I do.
Am I willing to sacrifice my cabinet colleagues in the process? Yes, indeed.
Is Boris Johnson a useful distraction from the Brexit fiasco? Yes, that's why I appointed him.
But the big question is what is my vision for the tory party? My philosophy? My approach?
Today I will churn out some rehashed bullshit from old Ed Milliband speeches to answer that question as indirectly as possible.
Because it won't be easy. There is a rocky road ahead. There will be problems, but nothing we can't overcome by bluster and nationalist rhetoric. We've been on the ropes before, but we've always fought back, and won. Because we are a party of fighters. We fight each other like no other party. And we are a party of equality, even if some of us are more equal than others. Believe in that and great things can happen. Great changes can occur. Except in my cabinet, of course, which remains mainly millionaire middle aged old Etonians.
Last June we saw a quiet revolution. I don't mean the noisy one that botched the EU referendum result or ended Boris's impertinent attempt to replace David Cameron. I mean the one that got me into Number 10 after pretending to support Remain but keeping so quiet about it I was not unacceptable to the Brexiteers. And since then the media have been invaluable in keeping quiet about My Little Coup, as I like to call it. That's the way we do things in the tory party. That's the sort of people we are.
And so my once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to be PM was grasped with both hands. Because tories are a party of opportunists, first and foremost. We never go off script when it's time to sell the party or buy an election. Like lying about bringing the deficit down, creating more slave wages jobs and creating more millionaires when the number of foodbanks continues to rise. We pretend to spend money on the NHS when it's clearly going down the pan, or abolishing crime when prisons are full to bursting. And one of the greatest Bullshitters in the last 25 years has been David Cameron, so let's hear it for him.
But now it's time for change again. Brexit provides us with great opportunity. Not just for personal enrichment but the chance to consolidate tory power by removing those pesky regulations that have held us back in the area of workers and human rights. Knock on any door and you will see how discontented people are. But there's still work to do. They won't work for peanuts while they aren't actually starving. So Brexit gives us the chance to kick out all the foreign firms providing them with jobs. To kick out the foreign doctors who care for them and keep our NHS running. Only then can we sell it off to the American private healthcare companies amassed on the border and get a seat on the board.
Of course people won't vote for that unless we convince them we are their champions. So watch while I and the tame media convince them we are the party of workers. Let's rewrite history together so they forget who destroyed our manufacturing base, removed the power of trade unions and allowed zero hour contracts to become the norm. We'll pretend that allowing selection in new Grammar Schools will bring a brave new world of choice when only a tiny few will actually be chosen and the rest can rot in crumbling hell holes. We'll talk about fairness and equality while turning the usual blind eye to tax avoidance and our non-dom billionaire donors without whom the tory party would be nothing.
Because Brexit is about becoming Britain again. It's about controlling our borders and keeping out foreigners, and I won't allow divisive nationalists to spoil that.
We in the tory party can be more UKIP than UKIP. Not out of xenophobia, although that's a pretty good reason, but because by stealing their votes we consign the opposition to oblivion forever.
Because we are the Nasty Party, and let's never forget it.