The Trans Duckling - A fairy story for Christmas

Once upon a time there was a duck who laid a clutch of eggs. And the eggs hatched and all the fluffy baby ducklings were beautiful ...except one.

The Ugly Duckling was too big, too awkward, too scrawny. He looked at his brothers and sisters and thought "I don't belong here, I am a misfit. I am in the wrong body." The other ducklings laughed at him and that made him feel worse. So, in his sorrow, he decided to take himself away and he lived in a shed at the other side of the pond.

The long winter passed and one day the Ugly Duckling awoke and went to the pond for a drink. When he looked into the surface of the pond he saw the most amazing thing... He was no longer a duckling, but a fully grown...duck.

"Oh shit," he said as his brother and sister ducks arrived. "Looks like I really am a duck."

"Oh for Fuck's Sake," said his brother duck, "not this again. Look, why don't you put on this swan costume and call yourself a swan, and we'll all call you a swan too." And he produced a swan costume magically from nowhere. (This is after all a fairy story)

"Wow, thanks guys!" Said the Ugly Duck as he slipped the elegant swan costume over his head. "Now you'll all have to call me 'Mr Swanny Pants'."

"No," sighed his brother through gritted teeth. "We'll still call you a wanker."

And the moral of the story, boys and girls, is it is far better to learn to accept yourself as you are than to put on a swan costume and be called a wanker.

Sun Exclusive: "I'm not sorry" says Norman Bates.

Cross dressing former motel owner Norman Bates has hit out at critics tonight after the ghost of Marion Crane accused him of murdering her in a shower in the Hitchcock movie Psycho in 1966.

"I was defending myself from her transphobia," the serial killer claimed. "It's come to something when a mentally unbalanced victim of bigotry can't put on his murdered mother's clothes and slash someone to death in the privacy of his own motel."

Speaking from his cell in a maximum security prison for gratuitously violent movie characters, Bates, who now identifies as Norma, claimed he has been victimised by society for expressing who he is in the only way he knows how. "Everyone has a right to be what they are. And that includes knife wielding maniacs."

Exclusive: Clash Of The Scottish Titans

Today Happy Haverings is happy to bring you exclusive coverage of today's Clash of the Scottish Titans at Westminster as Scottish Secretary Alistair Jackboot and his Labour Party Shadow, Ian "I can't believe I'm not Tory" Murray, go head to head over the despatch box in a life or death struggle only before witnessed in crappy Hollywood blockbusters. 

Lindsay Hoyle (Speaker): Now it's time for Kick The SNP, I mean Questions to the Secretary of State for Scotland, Mrs Ruth Davidson.

Voice from the shadows: She couldn't come.

Speaker: Aw, couldn't she? In that case, please give a warm Westminster welcome to Mr Andrew Jackboot.

Rapturous applause from antiquated recording device, abruptly switched off by a clerk.

Speaker: We're 'avin' none o' that. First question from the Shadow Secretary of State for Kicking the SNP, Ian Money.  May God bless him and all who sail in him.

Murray: Thank you, Mr Speaker. And may I say how lovely you are looking in your gown and wig. It is my first time facing this Secretary of State at the despatch box and I just want to say Labour will do all it can to give constructive help to the government in kicking the SNP and undermine the Scottish Government. Does the Minister agree that Scotland is shit and anyone with any sense would be glad to get out of the place, as both he and I have done despite being told to work from home during a pandemic?

Jackboot: May I say I warmly welcome the Honourable Gentleman to his rightful place at the Despatch Box, he has been sadly missed during the dark days of Corbyn madness. I look forward to working with him to kick the SNP at every opportunity. Yes, I do agree that Scotland is shit and only worth the time of day when it's tacked onto the rest of the UK because we are Better and Stronger Together. I know the Honourable Gentleman and I are.

Murray: I thank the Minister for his kind words. But doesn't he agree that the Scottish Government is a disgrace and should be stopped by all means necessary?

Jackboot: Indeed, and it is a sad day that we here in this place are forced to waste tax payers money discussing how awful the Scottish Government is when this is a national scandal. Can I also add that the Honourable Gentleman is much better than Corbyn's lot and if I wasn't already married I'd be asking him out for a date. 

Murray: I thank the Minister for that answer. But would he go further and agree that the SNP are ruining Scotland by making it better than the rest of the UK, and therefore causing a dangerous rift in our precious United Kingdom?

Jackboot: Indeed. As my butler used to say, the only good Nat is a dead Nat.

Laughter from the House.

Jackboot (waving away the adulation): But seriously, in these dangerous times it has never been more important to Stay Alert, Work from Home and travel 350 miles to your phoney baloney job to put the boot into the SNP.

Coronavirus: A message from Your Leader.

I know that, looking at me now, you have every reason to be appalled and worried.
But I want you to remember that this great nation of ours has faced worse calamities in our history. Take Dunkirk, for example. That marvellous defeat taught us all what it meant to be British. Even as we ran away from the enemy we were proud of our great nation. So don't be afraid. I want to give you some simple guidelines to help keep your pecker up as we soldier through this giant muddle together.

First, it's imperative that you wash your hands. I myself have washed my hands of every responsibility I've ever had, and I heartily recommend it.

STAY AT HOME. This is imperative. Doctors have told us for years that going outside in the sunshine and fresh air is incredibly dangerous so don't take the risk. We are giving the police special powers to arrest anyone outside, unless they have a good reason like being a son of the Queen or a member of the cabinet.  Remember, these measures are for YOUR OWN GOOD, and anyone who disregards them must be psychotic and will be imprisoned indefinitely. We must use these draconian measures to protect the freedoms we all enjoy.

Now I know some of you love to visit your elderly and frail relatives, but that's got to stop too. They're far better off in solitary confinement, imprisoned in their bungalows, with the few pleasures they have in life curtailed, than having germ laden grandchildren invading their space. Have some consideration, and KEEP THEM SAFE.

Of course, even taking these necessary steps some of you will fall ill. In that case, it's even more important you self isolate and don't bother anyone, especially not the NHS who will be busy enough at this trying time. I know you've paid taxes all your life to pay for services like the NHS but now is not the time to quibble about politics. And whining that there aren't enough hospitals or ventilators is wholly inappropriate at this desperate time. STOP BEING SELFISH. THERE ARE PEOPLE WORSE OFF THAN YOU ARE, YOU KNOW.

Rest assured, in these difficult times my government will work tirelessly to give press conferences and issue confused and contradictory advice as the situation develops. It may be necessary to bring in some temporary emergency measures, like suspending elections and burying the Russian Interference report, but I can assure you these are imperative to protect my continued role as Prime Minister. Keep well, don't talk to strangers and above all, Keep Buying my Bullshit.

Guest Post: Jo Swinson

Wow. Just back from conference, head still buzzing from all the positivity. What a great team we're getting together with Chuka and all the other rejects and refugees, proving what a truly diverse broad church party of ambitious professionals the Libdems are. There's no doubt in my mind we are on course to win a sweeping landslide at the imminent General Election. Every polls show we have are on course to win thousands of seats and that's before we even get out there on the campaign trail!

And it's no wonder the British people are flocking to our party in their millions. Brexit is a failed project nobody wants. As I frequently explained to Prime Minister David Cameron, when I was part of his Coalition government, the EU is brilliant for our country and brings many benefits, such as a steady supply of minimum wage East European nannies and fridge loads of cheap Prosecco.  I know that's what matters to the man in the street, not who got most votes in a referendum.

Yes, I was in the Coalition. I'm sorry but I make no apology for supporting Austerity and propping up the most right wing government since the War. Tories are not all bad, especially those ones who have lost their party whip and are flocking to the Libdems. Margaret Thatcher was a great parliamentarian and should be honoured. When I'm prime minister I will erect statues to her memory in every town centre. That's part of my radical approach to changing Britain and embracing a new politics. Britain is crying out for change. And it's nearly three months since we had a female prime minister. We're long overdue another one.

Of course combining the demands of high office and motherhood won't be easy. Westminster is still very much a boy's club despite changes I spearheaded in bringing babies into the workplace. It takes dedication, commitment and focus. A nanny helps too. But I spend every moment I can with my children, thingy and whatsisname. Gender equality is an issue close to my heart, as I explain in my book You Can Have It All If You Talk The Loudest.

Polls tell us millions of young people yet unborn are now flocking to the Libdems. This is largely due to our groundbreaking green credentials. We must cherish this planet of ours. The world is facing a terrifying imminent threat from global warming that will spoil the life chances of the next generation. When little Thingy and her brother grow up I don't want them turning to me and asking why I stood back and did nothing to save the planet. So I pledge today that my first act on entering Downing Street, after revoking Article 50, will be to tackle global warming in every way possible. So long as it doesn't conflict with the interests of our fracking company donors, of course. 

Boris Johnson and Jeremy Corbyn are unfit to lead our great nation. We need to break the old politics and forge a way forward with new ideas and bold initiative. I'm not looking to be in a coalition with either of the main washed up parties. Although obviously I wouldn't turn down an offer from Boris in a time of crisis, which this definitely is.

For The Retard

For the next 20 weeks Happy Haverings is delighted to serialise selected extracts from the memoirs of Britain's Worst Ever Prime Minister (to date), David Macaroon.

No, it's not Adonis. Although you'd be forgiven for thinking so. With looks like these there was never any doubt I was destined for a life in the spotlight. 'You're a beautiful boy,' nanny always used to say as she scrubbed my face clean.  And I'd have to be a churlish sort of chap to deny it.

Not having the brains to learn lines and remember where I was supposed to stand I couldn't go for a career as a film star, although I was sorely tempted by some of the rampant totty one gets to hang around with. And there's only so long you can pose for holiday snaps before it gets interminably dull. Then I saw Tony Blair address his party conference and thought, that's a jolly good wheeze for a looker. I won't have to learn any lines, they scroll them up on one of those tv screen thingies. Just the sort of thing for a chap like me.

 So here's me coming of age with some pretty decent sorts after a Bullingdon bash. Say what you like about Oxbridge they do know how to give a chap like me a sense of entitlement. Too squiffy to recall who this lot were, but I'm obviously the Belle of the Ball and making quite an impression.

I've always been a hit with the ladies which is why I insisted on having plenty of them in the cabinet. It helps to have someone to make the tea and mix a cocktail in an emergency.

Here's me and my old fellow Bullingdon Boris De Piffle enjoying some good natured "It's all his fault" rivalry. Boris and I enjoy a pretty healthy sort of relationship despite him being a conniving backstabbing bounder of the lowest water.  I certainly wouldn't trust him with the nanny after lights out as they say in the army. The odd thing about Boris is he's a big fan of the EU yet decided to support Leave in the EU Referendum campaign for the sole reason of upstaging me. Of course this was a hopeless ambition since he can't hold a candle to my stunning good looks. It's pretty clear from this photograph exactly which of us the camera loves. I only hope everyone realises he's the real villain and the cause of Brexit, and not me although I was the bloke who called the referendum without any strategy other than looking bloody good in a navy blue suit. 

The reason the whole Brexit debacle went awry was partly because I thought I'd cracked the whole referendum thingy after giving Salmond a good cuffing in 2014. What a slippery piece of work he is, photographed here stealing my watch out from under my very nose in front of the media. One thing I learned from the independence referendum is you can never trust a Scotsman. When the campaign started we were cruising along with support for independence in the 20 percentiles. But by the last week someone had been showing Braveheart or something because I realised to my horror that support had jumped to over 50%. At that point I had to roll up the old sleeves and turn on the famous Macaroon charm, and after a few hours on the phone lines threatening grannies they'd lose their pensions the Better Together campaign was back on track again.

And just as soon as we'd bagged a victory I got out behind the lectern again and announced English Votes for English Laws, another stunning policy success. The last thing we English need is uppity Scotsmen like Salmond poking their noses into our laws. That's the reason our United Kingdom is so strong and will endure for a thousand years.

Which brings me to another Scotsman I learned I couldn't trust, and this betrayal was particularly painful as I'd taken him into my home and treated him as an equal. Here he is no doubt lining up the dagger to stick in my back. All those years we were sharing barbecues and cutting the welfare state together and all the while he was planning to usurp me with the loathsome de Piffle. Of course I got the last laugh when he stabbed Boris in the back too, and I've still got his lawnmower which he can whistle for.

Next week: Ten things to do with a pig for relaxation, or eleven if you eat it.

On Holiday with the Maybot

Breakfast

Philip: Tea or coffee?
Maybot: I've been very clear I have ruled nothing in or out at this point in time.
Philip: How about some jam on your toast?
Maybot: As I have repeatedly said, our precious union leads the world in fruit preserves of all kinds. That is not going to change. 

An Alpine hike

Philip: Fabulous view!

Maybot: We are aware of all the environmental factors and will deal with them in due course.

Philip: Is that a kestrel?

Maybot: The careless slaughter of animals is an issue I am well aware of and will be legislated for as we leave the EU. Freedom of movement for predatory species will have to end.

A Day at the Races

Phil the Greek: Who the fuck are you?

Maybot: We are creating a hostile environment for anyone who cannot provide papers, documents and signed affidavits proving they have right to live in the UK.  

Phil the Greek: Call your henchmen off, I'm the fucking Duke of Edinburgh!

Maybot: All appeals will be heard through the normal channels. 

Watching the Telly

Philip: Stand a bit closer to the set, luv, the picture's getting clearer.

Maybot: I have been clear ...I have been clearer...

Philip: Oh shit, the signal's interfering with your circuits.

Maybot: Strong and stable...I have been clear...we are leaving the Customs Union...