Guest Post: Unionist Brian McDamage Makes The Case For the Union

See that Nikla Sturjin? What a fuckin' state, eh? Walking aroon like Jimmy fuckin' Kranky.
Whae dis she think she is? Eh?
Furst minister, is it? Tell ye what, ah'd gie her a guid doin' if she came roon' here, walkin' aroon in they tartan fuckin' shooz and talkin' about Indyref2 a' the time, gets oan ma tits, so it does.

They fuckin' nashnalists, what a fuckin' state, eh? A' their fuckin' lies about livin' aff the oil an' that.
Pile o' keech.
The oil's no' worth hardly nothin' these days, dae they think we're daft or suhum?
That fuckin Sammin kens fine well we'd be up the swanny wi'oot a lifeboat.
Fat lot that pie muncher cares, he's aye on the golf course wi' his best mate Trump. No' him who'd be aff the dole.

An' thon Sturjin's niver aff the telly. Thought the pie muncher was bad but she's fuckin' worse, gaun oan aboot the Eeyoo an' lettin' a' thae foreigners in an' that. Takin' oor joabs.
No mine. Ah'm oan the Disability like, cozzy ma depreshin, it's right depressin' gettin' sacked fae every joab fer nickin' stuff aff the buildin' site.
But they'd be efter ma joab if ah fuckin' hud wan.
So whatthefuck diz she want to be in the Eeyoo fur? They're a' terrorists anyway.

So the guys roond the pub reckon there'll be another Indyref2 cozzy Brexit, annat.
An' my Nan's a' 'Oh, no! Whit the fuck dae they want to bring that up again fer?'
But I'm furrit.
Fuckin'. bring. it. oan.
Nothin' ah like better than mashin' up fuckin' nashnalists on the weekends.
Fuckin' Bravehearts, cannae fight for toffee.
Maist a' them are wummin an' the wans that arny might as well be, they fuckin' run awa' an' greet like wummin.
That's why I fuckin' hate them.

Independence. Fuckin' pish.

Jeremy Corbyn's Address To Scotland

Hello. I'm Jeremy. Some of you may have seen me on your television set, those of you who can afford one out of your benefits. Though I know that won't be many of you since the evil Tory government started squeezing welfare in the name of a thing called "Austerity". That's a big word that means there isn't enough money to go around, especially to subsidise layabouts in far flung places like this. But as Labour leader you can rest assured I'm determined to stop that and see you get a bob or two more each week to help pay for your deep fried Mars Bars and heroin.

We in Labour have always had a close relationship with Scotland. For years we relied on your loyalty to elect us into government. In recent years that hasn't been happening so much, mainly because of an evil force called the SNP. These bad people have been up to all sorts of wicked tricks. Like spending all the block grant in Scotland on things like prescription charges, tuition fees and infrastructure projects. And because of these tricks, some of you might have thought they are the best people to vote for in elections. And let's face it an awful lot of you have been stupid enough to fall for this nonsense.

The latest lie the SNP are putting about is that Scotland should leave the United Kingdom. I'm here today to warn you what a terrible thing that would be for Scotland. As you know the oil revenue has very nearly run out, so without the hefty subsidies from the generous people south of the border you'd never be able to scrape together enough bawbees to afford your deep fried Mars Bars and heroin. Not only that, you'd be cast out of Europe and probably the civilised world for being too backward and embarrassing. So you wouldn't get any handouts there either. No, I'm afraid there's just no way a place like Scotland could ever run its own affairs and that's why you need to stop voting for those liars in the SNP and go back to electing complacent Labour MPs who sit on their arses and vote along with the tory government.

Don't rock the boat. Things are bad enough already with Brexit. It's looking more and more like Britain is going to be an utter shit house for a long time. The last thing you want is to make things worse by annoying Mrs May who has a heck of a temper, let me tell you. And who knows, maybe one of these days Labour will be in power again and things can be just the way they used to be in the Good Old Days. Now, that's something to look forward to, isn't it?

Happy Haverings Christmas Present: Andrew Neil's Guide to Scotland

We've all heard of it.
We've all sampled the shortbread and the whiskey.
We've all laughed at the incomprehensible accent.
Some of the best people (no prizes for guessing who I mean, Ma'am) have estates there.
But what is Scotland really like?
Tonight on This Is Weak, I, the most famous and important son of Scotland ever to grace your television screen, offer the definitive guide to Scotland.

There, that's me on the right. Gorgeous, eh? But let me tell you, not every Scot is so beautiful. In fact the vast majority of them are downright hideous.

I had that Alex Salmond in the studio once and let me tell you he's a real bullfrog. And that's after hours of make up. As you can see I don't need any, but as Scotland's bard once said, 'Fair fae your honest, sonsie face'. Whatever that means.

But back to Scotland. It's a land of lochs and mountains. At least it used to be before the SNP got into power and turned the whole country into a raving socialist dystopia. Now all the mountains have to have unpronounceable Gaelic names and you can get arrested for calling a loch 'lake', the proper English word for it.

Unique among Scots, I own literally dozens of books.

But despite the majesty and grandeur of the landscape the vast majority of Scots remain poor and stubbornly ignorant. So ignorant enough of them will happily vote for the SNP, a party so ludicrously incompetent it refuses to tax them to the hilt despite the powers so graciously bestowed upon them by the Crown. (God Bless You, Ma'am!) It lets their kids go free to their useless universities - with the notable exception of Glasgow, my own alma mater - which means their traditional high quality education has been watered down by all that riff-raff turning up in their hoodies, shouting up in the Common room and smoking boobies instead of attending lectures, as in my day.

And it doesn't end there. SNP incompetence reaches into every aspect of everyday life in Scotland. Irrefutable statistics, just thrust into my hand by a researcher, prove conclusively that buses and trains are regularly late. Old ladies regularly forget where they left their glasses, even when they were on their heads all the time. Schools regularly collapse. Sheep often get out of fields onto roads. Bridges are regularly closed due to high winds or bits falling off them. And all the SNP can say in response to this is the feeble 'We'll build another one'. 

Despite Diane Abbot's cleavage trying to upstage me I'm still the
most gorgeous thing in this picture.

Instead of reacting sensibly to this appalling state of affairs Scots themselves have become insufferably bolshie. Despite being spoiled rotten at the expense of the rest of the UK, a fact they should be eternally grateful for, they point blank refuse to vote for real political parties and even criticise that bastion of truth and enlightenment, our beloved BBC. I myself receive the most hateful antagonism from Cybernats, despite being polite to a fault in exchanges with nobodies like them. In my day we knew how to treat a national treasure like myself with respect, but sadly those days are gone.

So, in conclusion, Scotland may be pretty on the postcards but it is rapidly going to hell in a hand basket.  Luckily those few of us who did manage to reach the pinnacle of academia in the days when it counted for something escaped to civilisation. If I were you I'd stay home, pour yourself a Scotch to go with your shortbread and watch me on the telly instead. It's better than Horlicks.

A Poser. Or A Couple of Posers.

Has anyone else noticed the remarkable similarity between wacky and zany media celebrity Chris Evans and wacky and zany Blairite Labour MP Ian Austin?

Austin

Evans

They could have been separated at birth.

And the resemblance doesn't end there. While one of them entertains us with his antics trying to revive the fortunes of once loved but now past its sell by date television show Top Gear, the other causes much merriment in the House of Commons trying to revive the reputation on once loved but now Chilcot discredited Labour Prime Minister Tony Blair.

Could they possibly be one and the same person? After all, we never see them together.

Today's Spot the Difference Competition

There are very few differences. Can you spot them?

Welcome to Theresa's Post Brexit Fascist Paradise!

Der Fuhrer May speaks: That conference speech in full.

When I came to Birmingham this week the biggest question on my mind was 'How can I make it look like I give a toss about Britain when all I want is to save the tory party from electoral oblivion?"

Do I have a plan? Yes, I do.

Am I willing to sacrifice my cabinet colleagues in the process? Yes, indeed.

Is Boris Johnson a useful distraction from the Brexit fiasco? Yes, that's why I appointed him.

But the big question is what is my vision for the tory party? My philosophy? My approach?

Today I will churn out some rehashed bullshit from old Ed Milliband speeches to answer that question as indirectly as possible.

Because it won't be easy. There is a rocky road ahead. There will be problems, but nothing we can't overcome by bluster and nationalist rhetoric. We've been on the ropes before, but we've always fought back, and won. Because we are a party of fighters. We fight each other like no other party. And we are a party of equality, even if some of us are more equal than others. Believe in that and great things can happen. Great changes can occur. Except in my cabinet, of course, which remains mainly millionaire middle aged old Etonians.

Last June we saw a quiet revolution. I don't mean the noisy one that botched the EU referendum result or ended Boris's impertinent attempt to replace David Cameron. I mean the one that got me into Number 10 after pretending to support Remain but keeping so quiet about it I was not unacceptable to the Brexiteers. And since then the media have been invaluable in keeping quiet about My Little Coup, as I like to call it. That's the way we do things in the tory party. That's the sort of people we are.

And so my once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to be PM was grasped with both hands. Because tories are a party of opportunists, first and foremost. We never go off script when it's time to sell the party or buy an election. Like lying about bringing the deficit down, creating more slave wages jobs and creating more millionaires when the number of foodbanks continues to rise. We pretend to spend money on the NHS when it's clearly going down the pan, or abolishing crime when prisons are full to bursting. And one of the greatest Bullshitters in the last 25 years has been David Cameron, so let's hear it for him.

But now it's time for change again. Brexit provides us with great opportunity.  Not just for personal enrichment but the chance to consolidate tory power by removing those pesky regulations that have held us back in the area of workers and human rights. Knock on any door and you will see how discontented people are. But there's still work to do. They won't work for peanuts while they aren't actually starving. So Brexit gives us the chance to kick out all the foreign firms providing them with jobs. To kick out the foreign doctors who care for them and keep our NHS running. Only then can we sell it off to the American private healthcare companies amassed on the border and get a seat on the board.

Of course people won't vote for that unless we convince them we are their champions. So watch while I and the tame media convince them we are the party of workers. Let's rewrite history together so they forget who destroyed our manufacturing base, removed the power of trade unions and allowed zero hour contracts to become the norm. We'll pretend that allowing selection in new Grammar Schools will bring a brave new world of choice when only a tiny few will actually be chosen and the rest can rot in crumbling hell holes. We'll talk about fairness and equality while turning the usual blind eye to tax avoidance and our non-dom billionaire donors without whom the tory party would be nothing.

Because Brexit is about becoming Britain again. It's about controlling our borders and keeping out foreigners, and I won't allow divisive nationalists to spoil that.

We in the tory party can be more UKIP than UKIP. Not out of xenophobia, although that's a pretty good reason, but because by stealing their votes we consign the opposition to oblivion forever.

Because we are the Nasty Party, and let's never forget it.

Guest Post: Kezia Dugdale - a Clarification

Gordon i get up in the morning to fight for Labour values it's very simple Gordon the SNP is destroying Scotland crushing the poor under its nazi jackboot targeting the most vulnerable in our society that's why i will always fight for a Labour government at Westminster to give hope to all those struggling families all those young people struggling on zero hour contracts by raising taxes and renewing Trident it's what gets me out of bed in the morning Gordon and that's never going to change

it's not confusing i stand by what i said Gordon my position hasn't changed i'm determined to fight for a Labour government and to do that we must have unity and a leader who can unite us that's what all of us want Jeremy has been elected leader he has to be the leader that leads and unites us if we want to see a Labour government the party has made its choice now it's up to him to convince the voters i said i didn't think Jeremy could achieve that and i stand by that it's written down but now we have to unite and move forward to get a Labour government and i will support Jeremy yes i do think he can unite us and lead us to victory Gordon so we can fight for all the Labour values all of us so desperately want to see to help all the struggling young people on SNP zero hours contracts by raising taxes and renewing Trident but we can't do that in Opposition

of course i want to see a Labour government and we won't get that unless we unite behind Jeremy even if he isn't the man to unite us it's what we need to do to get out of bed in the morning Gordon i'm tired of all the misery the SNP is bringing to the people of Scotland banging on about indyref2 at a time like this and swingeing cuts and this horrible tory government we need to get behind Jeremy and take the fight to the SNP Gordon yes I do think Jeremy is the man for the job even though i supported Owen Smith it's what gets me out of bed in the morning