An MP's Diary: John Nicolson

 

Monday

Managed to take time out from my hectic schedule to view the marvellous new ITV series, The Crown. Fairly good performance from Dame Helen Mirren but Billy Connolly an odd choice as Disraeli. Had the producers approached me first I could have put them straight on some details having interviewed all the main characters in my younger career as a world famous television presenter. I bet they are kicking themselves now.

Tuesday 

I am wearing several poppies this year, including a Stonewall endorsed rainbow poppy,  to ensure I don't exclude any trans veterans from Remembrance Day celebrations. It's a well documented fact that trans soldiers were discriminated against in the trenches and forced to use men's latrines despite their lived experience. I have also petitioned the Forces Minister to make the new rainbow uniform standard issue for all recruits. Yet to receive an answer.

Wednesday

Twitter continues to be an echo chamber of deep seated bigotry and abuse. Why can't everyone be like @PISTaker who tweets: "You are an inspiration to us all, John. I don't know how people managed in Ochil and South Perthshire before you came along." It did make me blush, although I'm not sure what Ochil and South Perthshire has to do with it, but it is gratifying to see how much I inspire the youth of today.

Thursday

I am reliably informed that Ochil and South Perthshire is my constituency! Imagine my surprise!  I don't get up there as often as I should but an MP's life is so hectic down here in London. There's the endless round of media appearances, and only last week I received an award from Pink News for being so wonderful. 

Friday

Memo from the Whip's office to the effect that Ochil and South Perthshire is not, as I inadvertently misspoke in my Commons speech, in the Western Highlands, but somewhere north of Edinburgh.  Can't think where I got the image of crofters and sheep, although it might have been on an episode of the marvellous show Cash in the Attic.

Saturday

The sinister LGB Alliance continue to persecute my reputation in court, despite (or perhaps because of) my stellar testimony which has received praise from several of my Twitter fanbase. Their lawyer was clearly overwhelmed by my stately presence and rapier wit. The silly girl has tried to have my testimony suppressed! I do miss the days when these young women stayed in the kitchen and left the serious jobs to us men. Nadine Dorries is a case in point.

A Message To Scotland's Young People

 First Minister Dame Imelda Sturrell takes time out from her busy schedule mourning the death of the Duke of Edinburgh to address Scotland's youth.

As you know it is my government's aim to make Scotland an open, equal and diverse place. But recently there have been some scurrilous accusations made that I want to address here and now. Firstly there is no place in our open, equal and diverse country for bigots who complain about young people being free to explore their sexuality in whatever form it takes. My government will renew its efforts to enable this, and I want to set out some of our initiatives here.

Firstly we have funded and sponsored a range of organisations dedicated to helping young people. These are listed below and can be contacted at any time. 

To bring more diversity into our schools we have added some new books to the Little Learners Reading Scheme, such as "Fun With A Banana", "My Mum Has A Ladydick" and the award-winning "Uncle Barney Let Me Touch His Boa Constrictor".

Sadly there are those who want to obstruct this freedom and inclusion. Your parents are likely among them. If you do find the "Oldies" are cramping your style by for example imposing curfews or limiting the age of your sleepover pals feel free to call our Big Brother Bigot Helpline (Number below) where a friendly adviser will take all their details in complete confidentiality and send the police round immediately. (Don't worry, you'll still be able to visit them in jail - and it's better than living with a bigot, isn't it?)

In the meantime if you need to talk to someone about expressing your diversity phone any of the organisations below for free confidential advice.

Freaks in Frocks Foundation

Lusty Libidinous Lesbos

Bestiality Boutique

Nonces In Nappies

Questionable Queer Quango

Kiddyfiddlers R Us

Sex Offenders Register

Guest Post: The SNP

An Apology

It has come to our attention that in recent years we may have inadvertently given the impression that we support Scottish independence. The fact that people have jumped to this erroneous conclusion is not entirely their fault; we recognise that using such ambivalent phrases as  "It's time to choose our future", "Scotland's future: Independence in Europe"  and the publishing of the 'Eleven Point Plan to Independence' have opened the door to ambivalence and confusion. 

For this reason we now issue a complete and full apology. It was never our intention to mislead the people of Scotland in a cynical attempt to win votes and keep the party in power. For the avoidance of doubt it should be clear going forward that any fundraisers entitled "Donate for Indy" or "Scotland's Right to Choose" refer to the individual's right to choose their gender, and the right of every cross dressing sex predator to access women's spaces.

I hope this gives clarity to the situation.

Yours for Scotland,

Nicola Sturgeon

SNP (Stonewall and Nonces Party)

The Trans Duckling - A fairy story for Christmas

Once upon a time there was a duck who laid a clutch of eggs. And the eggs hatched and all the fluffy baby ducklings were beautiful ...except one.

The Ugly Duckling was too big, too awkward, too scrawny. He looked at his brothers and sisters and thought "I don't belong here, I am a misfit. I am in the wrong body." The other ducklings laughed at him and that made him feel worse. So, in his sorrow, he decided to take himself away and he lived in a shed at the other side of the pond.

The long winter passed and one day the Ugly Duckling awoke and went to the pond for a drink. When he looked into the surface of the pond he saw the most amazing thing... He was no longer a duckling, but a fully grown...duck.

"Oh shit," he said as his brother and sister ducks arrived. "Looks like I really am a duck."

"Oh for Fuck's Sake," said his brother duck, "not this again. Look, why don't you put on this swan costume and call yourself a swan, and we'll all call you a swan too." And he produced a swan costume magically from nowhere. (This is after all a fairy story)

"Wow, thanks guys!" Said the Ugly Duck as he slipped the elegant swan costume over his head. "Now you'll all have to call me 'Mr Swanny Pants'."

"No," sighed his brother through gritted teeth. "We'll still call you a wanker."

And the moral of the story, boys and girls, is it is far better to learn to accept yourself as you are than to put on a swan costume and be called a wanker.

Sun Exclusive: "I'm not sorry" says Norman Bates.

Cross dressing former motel owner Norman Bates has hit out at critics tonight after the ghost of Marion Crane accused him of murdering her in a shower in the Hitchcock movie Psycho in 1966.

"I was defending myself from her transphobia," the serial killer claimed. "It's come to something when a mentally unbalanced victim of bigotry can't put on his murdered mother's clothes and slash someone to death in the privacy of his own motel."

Speaking from his cell in a maximum security prison for gratuitously violent movie characters, Bates, who now identifies as Norma, claimed he has been victimised by society for expressing who he is in the only way he knows how. "Everyone has a right to be what they are. And that includes knife wielding maniacs."

Exclusive: Clash Of The Scottish Titans

Today Happy Haverings is happy to bring you exclusive coverage of today's Clash of the Scottish Titans at Westminster as Scottish Secretary Alistair Jackboot and his Labour Party Shadow, Ian "I can't believe I'm not Tory" Murray, go head to head over the despatch box in a life or death struggle only before witnessed in crappy Hollywood blockbusters. 

Lindsay Hoyle (Speaker): Now it's time for Kick The SNP, I mean Questions to the Secretary of State for Scotland, Mrs Ruth Davidson.

Voice from the shadows: She couldn't come.

Speaker: Aw, couldn't she? In that case, please give a warm Westminster welcome to Mr Andrew Jackboot.

Rapturous applause from antiquated recording device, abruptly switched off by a clerk.

Speaker: We're 'avin' none o' that. First question from the Shadow Secretary of State for Kicking the SNP, Ian Money.  May God bless him and all who sail in him.

Murray: Thank you, Mr Speaker. And may I say how lovely you are looking in your gown and wig. It is my first time facing this Secretary of State at the despatch box and I just want to say Labour will do all it can to give constructive help to the government in kicking the SNP and undermine the Scottish Government. Does the Minister agree that Scotland is shit and anyone with any sense would be glad to get out of the place, as both he and I have done despite being told to work from home during a pandemic?

Jackboot: May I say I warmly welcome the Honourable Gentleman to his rightful place at the Despatch Box, he has been sadly missed during the dark days of Corbyn madness. I look forward to working with him to kick the SNP at every opportunity. Yes, I do agree that Scotland is shit and only worth the time of day when it's tacked onto the rest of the UK because we are Better and Stronger Together. I know the Honourable Gentleman and I are.

Murray: I thank the Minister for his kind words. But doesn't he agree that the Scottish Government is a disgrace and should be stopped by all means necessary?

Jackboot: Indeed, and it is a sad day that we here in this place are forced to waste tax payers money discussing how awful the Scottish Government is when this is a national scandal. Can I also add that the Honourable Gentleman is much better than Corbyn's lot and if I wasn't already married I'd be asking him out for a date. 

Murray: I thank the Minister for that answer. But would he go further and agree that the SNP are ruining Scotland by making it better than the rest of the UK, and therefore causing a dangerous rift in our precious United Kingdom?

Jackboot: Indeed. As my butler used to say, the only good Nat is a dead Nat.

Laughter from the House.

Jackboot (waving away the adulation): But seriously, in these dangerous times it has never been more important to Stay Alert, Work from Home and travel 350 miles to your phoney baloney job to put the boot into the SNP.

Coronavirus: A message from Your Leader.

I know that, looking at me now, you have every reason to be appalled and worried.
But I want you to remember that this great nation of ours has faced worse calamities in our history. Take Dunkirk, for example. That marvellous defeat taught us all what it meant to be British. Even as we ran away from the enemy we were proud of our great nation. So don't be afraid. I want to give you some simple guidelines to help keep your pecker up as we soldier through this giant muddle together.

First, it's imperative that you wash your hands. I myself have washed my hands of every responsibility I've ever had, and I heartily recommend it.

STAY AT HOME. This is imperative. Doctors have told us for years that going outside in the sunshine and fresh air is incredibly dangerous so don't take the risk. We are giving the police special powers to arrest anyone outside, unless they have a good reason like being a son of the Queen or a member of the cabinet.  Remember, these measures are for YOUR OWN GOOD, and anyone who disregards them must be psychotic and will be imprisoned indefinitely. We must use these draconian measures to protect the freedoms we all enjoy.

Now I know some of you love to visit your elderly and frail relatives, but that's got to stop too. They're far better off in solitary confinement, imprisoned in their bungalows, with the few pleasures they have in life curtailed, than having germ laden grandchildren invading their space. Have some consideration, and KEEP THEM SAFE.

Of course, even taking these necessary steps some of you will fall ill. In that case, it's even more important you self isolate and don't bother anyone, especially not the NHS who will be busy enough at this trying time. I know you've paid taxes all your life to pay for services like the NHS but now is not the time to quibble about politics. And whining that there aren't enough hospitals or ventilators is wholly inappropriate at this desperate time. STOP BEING SELFISH. THERE ARE PEOPLE WORSE OFF THAN YOU ARE, YOU KNOW.

Rest assured, in these difficult times my government will work tirelessly to give press conferences and issue confused and contradictory advice as the situation develops. It may be necessary to bring in some temporary emergency measures, like suspending elections and burying the Russian Interference report, but I can assure you these are imperative to protect my continued role as Prime Minister. Keep well, don't talk to strangers and above all, Keep Buying my Bullshit.

Guest Post: Jo Swinson

Wow. Just back from conference, head still buzzing from all the positivity. What a great team we're getting together with Chuka and all the other rejects and refugees, proving what a truly diverse broad church party of ambitious professionals the Libdems are. There's no doubt in my mind we are on course to win a sweeping landslide at the imminent General Election. Every polls show we have are on course to win thousands of seats and that's before we even get out there on the campaign trail!

And it's no wonder the British people are flocking to our party in their millions. Brexit is a failed project nobody wants. As I frequently explained to Prime Minister David Cameron, when I was part of his Coalition government, the EU is brilliant for our country and brings many benefits, such as a steady supply of minimum wage East European nannies and fridge loads of cheap Prosecco.  I know that's what matters to the man in the street, not who got most votes in a referendum.

Yes, I was in the Coalition. I'm sorry but I make no apology for supporting Austerity and propping up the most right wing government since the War. Tories are not all bad, especially those ones who have lost their party whip and are flocking to the Libdems. Margaret Thatcher was a great parliamentarian and should be honoured. When I'm prime minister I will erect statues to her memory in every town centre. That's part of my radical approach to changing Britain and embracing a new politics. Britain is crying out for change. And it's nearly three months since we had a female prime minister. We're long overdue another one.

Of course combining the demands of high office and motherhood won't be easy. Westminster is still very much a boy's club despite changes I spearheaded in bringing babies into the workplace. It takes dedication, commitment and focus. A nanny helps too. But I spend every moment I can with my children, thingy and whatsisname. Gender equality is an issue close to my heart, as I explain in my book You Can Have It All If You Talk The Loudest.

Polls tell us millions of young people yet unborn are now flocking to the Libdems. This is largely due to our groundbreaking green credentials. We must cherish this planet of ours. The world is facing a terrifying imminent threat from global warming that will spoil the life chances of the next generation. When little Thingy and her brother grow up I don't want them turning to me and asking why I stood back and did nothing to save the planet. So I pledge today that my first act on entering Downing Street, after revoking Article 50, will be to tackle global warming in every way possible. So long as it doesn't conflict with the interests of our fracking company donors, of course. 

Boris Johnson and Jeremy Corbyn are unfit to lead our great nation. We need to break the old politics and forge a way forward with new ideas and bold initiative. I'm not looking to be in a coalition with either of the main washed up parties. Although obviously I wouldn't turn down an offer from Boris in a time of crisis, which this definitely is.

For The Retard

For the next 20 weeks Happy Haverings is delighted to serialise selected extracts from the memoirs of Britain's Worst Ever Prime Minister (to date), David Macaroon.

No, it's not Adonis. Although you'd be forgiven for thinking so. With looks like these there was never any doubt I was destined for a life in the spotlight. 'You're a beautiful boy,' nanny always used to say as she scrubbed my face clean.  And I'd have to be a churlish sort of chap to deny it.

Not having the brains to learn lines and remember where I was supposed to stand I couldn't go for a career as a film star, although I was sorely tempted by some of the rampant totty one gets to hang around with. And there's only so long you can pose for holiday snaps before it gets interminably dull. Then I saw Tony Blair address his party conference and thought, that's a jolly good wheeze for a looker. I won't have to learn any lines, they scroll them up on one of those tv screen thingies. Just the sort of thing for a chap like me.

 So here's me coming of age with some pretty decent sorts after a Bullingdon bash. Say what you like about Oxbridge they do know how to give a chap like me a sense of entitlement. Too squiffy to recall who this lot were, but I'm obviously the Belle of the Ball and making quite an impression.

I've always been a hit with the ladies which is why I insisted on having plenty of them in the cabinet. It helps to have someone to make the tea and mix a cocktail in an emergency.

Here's me and my old fellow Bullingdon Boris De Piffle enjoying some good natured "It's all his fault" rivalry. Boris and I enjoy a pretty healthy sort of relationship despite him being a conniving backstabbing bounder of the lowest water.  I certainly wouldn't trust him with the nanny after lights out as they say in the army. The odd thing about Boris is he's a big fan of the EU yet decided to support Leave in the EU Referendum campaign for the sole reason of upstaging me. Of course this was a hopeless ambition since he can't hold a candle to my stunning good looks. It's pretty clear from this photograph exactly which of us the camera loves. I only hope everyone realises he's the real villain and the cause of Brexit, and not me although I was the bloke who called the referendum without any strategy other than looking bloody good in a navy blue suit. 

The reason the whole Brexit debacle went awry was partly because I thought I'd cracked the whole referendum thingy after giving Salmond a good cuffing in 2014. What a slippery piece of work he is, photographed here stealing my watch out from under my very nose in front of the media. One thing I learned from the independence referendum is you can never trust a Scotsman. When the campaign started we were cruising along with support for independence in the 20 percentiles. But by the last week someone had been showing Braveheart or something because I realised to my horror that support had jumped to over 50%. At that point I had to roll up the old sleeves and turn on the famous Macaroon charm, and after a few hours on the phone lines threatening grannies they'd lose their pensions the Better Together campaign was back on track again.

And just as soon as we'd bagged a victory I got out behind the lectern again and announced English Votes for English Laws, another stunning policy success. The last thing we English need is uppity Scotsmen like Salmond poking their noses into our laws. That's the reason our United Kingdom is so strong and will endure for a thousand years.

Which brings me to another Scotsman I learned I couldn't trust, and this betrayal was particularly painful as I'd taken him into my home and treated him as an equal. Here he is no doubt lining up the dagger to stick in my back. All those years we were sharing barbecues and cutting the welfare state together and all the while he was planning to usurp me with the loathsome de Piffle. Of course I got the last laugh when he stabbed Boris in the back too, and I've still got his lawnmower which he can whistle for.

Next week: Ten things to do with a pig for relaxation, or eleven if you eat it.

On Holiday with the Maybot

Breakfast

Philip: Tea or coffee?
Maybot: I've been very clear I have ruled nothing in or out at this point in time.
Philip: How about some jam on your toast?
Maybot: As I have repeatedly said, our precious union leads the world in fruit preserves of all kinds. That is not going to change. 

An Alpine hike

Philip: Fabulous view!

Maybot: We are aware of all the environmental factors and will deal with them in due course.

Philip: Is that a kestrel?

Maybot: The careless slaughter of animals is an issue I am well aware of and will be legislated for as we leave the EU. Freedom of movement for predatory species will have to end.

A Day at the Races

Phil the Greek: Who the fuck are you?

Maybot: We are creating a hostile environment for anyone who cannot provide papers, documents and signed affidavits proving they have right to live in the UK.  

Phil the Greek: Call your henchmen off, I'm the fucking Duke of Edinburgh!

Maybot: All appeals will be heard through the normal channels. 

Watching the Telly

Philip: Stand a bit closer to the set, luv, the picture's getting clearer.

Maybot: I have been clear ...I have been clearer...

Philip: Oh shit, the signal's interfering with your circuits.

Maybot: Strong and stable...I have been clear...we are leaving the Customs Union...

Spot the Difference Competition

Minister Caroline Noclue from the Department for Sending 'Em Back wows the Scottish Affairs Committee:

Minister Caroline Noclue from the Department for Sending 'Em Back wows the Irish Affairs Committee:

Whisper It: Could Scotland Live Without Stephen Daisley?

A rare photo of Daisley whose vast bulk makes him almost
unphotographable.

From out Daisley correspondent.

Fed up with Daisley? Frustrated with a corporate hack who ponces around the internet like a real journalist? Had your fill of mediocre articles, unionist whining and endless bitching about the SNP?

Many Independence supporters think Scotland would be better off without Daisley, controversially claiming his job could easily be done by a monkey with a typewriter. And not a very bright monkey at that.

Not surprisingly Daisley and his Tory mates are quick to rubbish the suggestion, but would it really be such a bad thing?

A slimline baby Daisley showed so much
promise but couldn't stop eating.

Born in 1985, Daisley showed much promise and was the apple of his family's eye. Thirty three years on Daisley stands as a half fulfilment of a promise. He was meant to remedy the 'journalistic deficit'  whereby most Scots wanted to read positive stories about their country but were lumbered with a constant stream of Too Poor, Too Wee, Too Stupid propaganda. 

But despite all his opportunities Daisley remains a third rate hack pursuing his own anti SNP agenda and whining about victimisation when he victimises his own country on a daily basis. Despite Scots voting overwhelmingly for devolution and the obvious successes of the SNP Scottish Government, tory boy Daisley dreams of abolishing it to satisfy his unionist wet dream.

Scotland doesn't need Daisley. It's about time he started listening to what the majority of Scots want instead of filling unionist papers with his garbage.

Guest Post: Looking On The Bright Side With Esther McVey

Cuts to benefits

Don't worry if you can't afford to feed yourself or your family. You're probably needing to lose a bit of weight anyway so it's all for the best.

Victim of rape

Lucky for you the government provides benefits assessors who want to know all the hideous details of your rape. Look on it as a good chance to have a natter and get things out in the open.

Being eaten by wild animals

Who wouldn't want to do their bit for wildlife?

Victim of the Black Death

An escape from grinding poverty. There was nothing much to do in the Middle Ages anyway.

Having your leg sawn off in a saw mill

Think of the money you'll save on shoes.

Guest Post: A Westminster Diary by Pete Wishywashy

Monday

Can you guess which one I am?

Back at my Westminster office after a hectic weekend in the constituency. It's always a pleasure to meet my 'Ain folk' especially since I'm something of a celebrity in Perth, as well as elsewhere. Did I mention I was once a pop star in rock super group Runrig? Yes, not many people realise I'm the only MP who ever appeared on Top of the Pops. And people say politics is boring!

But it's back to business. First there's my correspondence. Of course I have a staff who read incoming mail and draft and send all my responses, but signing all those fan letters does take its toll on the old wrist. Just as well I'm not playing keyboards any more, at least not for a living. That's the downside of celebrity, that and being recognised and asked for autographs, but when you've been part of a rock legend band like Runrig you have to learn to live with it.

My mail is all sent out on House of Commons headed paper, and I like to personalise mine with:

From the office of Pete Wishywashy 
ex-Runrig rock superstar 
SNP MP for somewhere in Perth
Chairman of Scottish Affairs Select Committee

    I think people appreciate the personal touch.

Tuesday

The business in the House of Commons gets going again. There may be debates in the chamber, or meetings of the Scottish Affairs Select Committee, a group of MPs, of whom I am chairman, who investigate lots of things important to Scotland. Like when will Runrig re-form and go on tour again (Just kidding! I couldn't cope with all those days on the road. It takes a terrible toll on your family life although it's great to play live and meet the fans).

I do love a good debate in the house of House of Commons, and with all my experience as a former rock star I have a natural advantage presenting my best side to the many cameras that film proceedings. Despite our party differences we all have a good laugh, and I make it a priority to entertain as well as put forward the party line, whatever it is. After all, I am an entertainer by profession. I do think it's important to bring your unique talents and skills to politics. Which is why I'm so proud to be a member of Commons' own multi party pop group, Sad Old Hasbeens. Politics is a tough old job so we have to let off steam somehow.

Wednesday

It's All Hands on Deck for Prime Minister's Questions. This is a weekly event when the PM takes questions from other MPs. It does generate a lot of media interest so attendance is mandatory, but other than sitting there grunting and guffawing there isn't a lot for me to do, so I often bring along my earphones and listen to some old Runrig tunes to alleviate the boredom. If you watch me closely you might just catch my foot tapping or my head nodding.

Once a month there's Scottish Office Questions where the Secretary of State for Scotland, David Mundell, takes questions from MPs. That's slightly less boring as I often get to ask a question.  The SNP make up the largest contingent of Scottish seats at Westminster which is why most of their questions are ignored and laughed at anyway, so the whole thing is just a waste of time.

Thursday

My good friend the Speaker, Mr John Bercow,  has scheduled a debate today on the Internet and Fake News. I love social media and actively participate on Twitter, but the Indy Movement does seem to have attracted an unsavoury element lately, an issue I touched on in my articles in the Record, the Courier, the Press and Journal and (hopefully) the Telegraph. As I said on my blog, we have to learn to discuss and listen to others' opinions and not just react angrily to what others say. For Heaven's Sake, we all want the same thing, don't we?

For example, I recently attracted the ire of the Cybernats by suggesting there is no point in having another independence referendum until it's a dead cert to win which could be next year or (more likely) never.  I was accused of all sorts of nasty things, in language I've never encountered even when we toured with Bob Geldof. Someone even had the nerve to call me a 'poster boy for Scotland in Union'!  Needless to say I blocked all these naysayers. As Bob Dylan once said to me in an intimate backstage moment, "You can't please all the people all the time, and those arseholes aren't worth the bother." 

Friday

Dressed for a night on the town. What's not
to love about London?

Of course I want Scotland to be independent, but the last thing we need is to lose another referendum and, more importantly, my seat. Those who accuse me of being a 'poster boy' for Scotland in Union overlook the fact that I'm a poster boy for Runrig first and foremost. Did I mention I was once in Runrig?

So it's back to the constituency for the weekend, or if I'm lucky enough to have booked a show I can have a weekend in good old London Town. I love London. It's so full of great things to do and see, just the ticket for a hardworking MP and rock legend like me.

Murdo Fraser's Guide to Holiday Destinations

Yes, it's that time of year again.

Everyone keeps asking "Where should I book my holiday, Murdo? You're a world renowned expert on Just About Everything, so please help!"

Well, drawing on my vast travelling experience and general brilliance, here are my tips for this year's hottest holiday destinations:

1. North Korea

OK, I know what you're thinking. It's impossible to get a visa and Easyjet don't go there. But if you don't mind overcoming those minor hurdles you'll find the people are overwhelmingly friendly. See how happy they look! This snap was taken last year when my boss Ruth Davidson paid an unexpected visit and was treated like royalty.

2. Iraq
Since the enormously successful 2003 invasion Iraq has really opened up its tourist trade. It's no problem at all moving around the country, especially if you're affiliated to one of the burgeoning tour companies like Daesh.  Contact them online and they'll get you over there in no time.

3. Spain
Some people think Spain hasn't been as good since Franco died, but there are signs recently the government are getting a grip on things again. The locals could not be friendlier, especially since they are arrested for not smiling at tourists. Thanks to the exchange rate holidays here are dirt cheap, but I'd advise you leave that Free Catalonia tee shirt at home unless you fancy ten years in solitary confinement.

Who says Comedy is Dead?

Brexit Latest: Nige is All At Sea

Shame you don't get sharks in the Thames.

Brexit Latest: A Cod Speaks Out

Pack Up Your Roubles...

Meanwhile, in Londongrad...

The Great British Bash the SNP

Tonight on BBC Jockland:

 The Great British 'Bash the SNP' , a new reality show based on all the old reality shows, where we invite some attention seeking loser onto live tv to put the boot into Scotland's ruling party.

And here's your host, Gordon Brouhaha...


GB: Tonight I'm delighted to welcome top Scottish whinger and tiresome old fart, Jim Sillyarse.
Jim, welcome to The Great British Bash the SNP. 







Jim Sillyarse: What time are you bringing the tea round? I'm gasping to wet my whistle. And don't put out those jammy dodgers again they get stuck in my top plate.



GB: Yes, of course. But you've got more reason than most people to hate the SNP, haven't you, Jim?



JS:  Well, I've said all along Strachan's useless. He's only in the job because there's nobody else, except maybe my auntie's Jack Russell. But then Jack Russell wasn't a patch on me when I managed Scotland. Of course back in those days the unions had a lot more power than they do now. 



GB: Well, quite. But turning to fracking, you've gone on record as saying fracking is the best idea since sliced bread and everyone should be fracking in their back garden. Do you stand by that?



JS: I wouldn't stand by it. I wouldn't stand for it. Those fracking quarries get very muddy and I only have the one pair of shoes since the social cut my benefits. I can't afford to boil a kettle to heat my hot water bottle, and it's a scandal Scotland is such a cold country despite having all those electricity pylons. Surely the SNP could organise a bit of global warming here when there's plenty of it everywhere else.



GB: Indeed. Turning to the independence question. When do you think the SNP should call another referendum?



JS: We lost it, you know. We'll never win a referendum until Scotland votes for Richard Leonard. He'd make a much better leader of the SNP. Reminds me of myself, only less handsome.



GB: So do you think it would be a mistake for Nicola Sturgeon to call another referendum?



JS: Oh, yes. The EU is a dreadful thing. Scotland doesn't need all those subsidies or foreigners coming here. That Junker reminds me of someone I killed in the war.  



GB: Wonderful. And what do you think of Nicola Sturgeon's leadership?



JS: Well, she's rubbish. I mean she's the best they've got, but only because the rest of them are so bad. There's been nobody any good in the SNP since I stopped being vice- somethingorother. I mean did you see her coughing her way through her conference speech? And then somebody handed her a P45. Bloody embarrassing it was. People as clueless as that should be kept off the telly, in my opinion.