An MP's Diary: John Nicolson

 

Monday

Managed to take time out from my hectic schedule to view the marvellous new ITV series, The Crown. Fairly good performance from Dame Helen Mirren but Billy Connolly an odd choice as Disraeli. Had the producers approached me first I could have put them straight on some details having interviewed all the main characters in my younger career as a world famous television presenter. I bet they are kicking themselves now.

Tuesday 

I am wearing several poppies this year, including a Stonewall endorsed rainbow poppy,  to ensure I don't exclude any trans veterans from Remembrance Day celebrations. It's a well documented fact that trans soldiers were discriminated against in the trenches and forced to use men's latrines despite their lived experience. I have also petitioned the Forces Minister to make the new rainbow uniform standard issue for all recruits. Yet to receive an answer.

Wednesday

Twitter continues to be an echo chamber of deep seated bigotry and abuse. Why can't everyone be like @PISTaker who tweets: "You are an inspiration to us all, John. I don't know how people managed in Ochil and South Perthshire before you came along." It did make me blush, although I'm not sure what Ochil and South Perthshire has to do with it, but it is gratifying to see how much I inspire the youth of today.

Thursday

I am reliably informed that Ochil and South Perthshire is my constituency! Imagine my surprise!  I don't get up there as often as I should but an MP's life is so hectic down here in London. There's the endless round of media appearances, and only last week I received an award from Pink News for being so wonderful. 

Friday

Memo from the Whip's office to the effect that Ochil and South Perthshire is not, as I inadvertently misspoke in my Commons speech, in the Western Highlands, but somewhere north of Edinburgh.  Can't think where I got the image of crofters and sheep, although it might have been on an episode of the marvellous show Cash in the Attic.

Saturday

The sinister LGB Alliance continue to persecute my reputation in court, despite (or perhaps because of) my stellar testimony which has received praise from several of my Twitter fanbase. Their lawyer was clearly overwhelmed by my stately presence and rapier wit. The silly girl has tried to have my testimony suppressed! I do miss the days when these young women stayed in the kitchen and left the serious jobs to us men. Nadine Dorries is a case in point.

A Message To Scotland's Young People

 First Minister Dame Imelda Sturrell takes time out from her busy schedule mourning the death of the Duke of Edinburgh to address Scotland's youth.

As you know it is my government's aim to make Scotland an open, equal and diverse place. But recently there have been some scurrilous accusations made that I want to address here and now. Firstly there is no place in our open, equal and diverse country for bigots who complain about young people being free to explore their sexuality in whatever form it takes. My government will renew its efforts to enable this, and I want to set out some of our initiatives here.

Firstly we have funded and sponsored a range of organisations dedicated to helping young people. These are listed below and can be contacted at any time. 

To bring more diversity into our schools we have added some new books to the Little Learners Reading Scheme, such as "Fun With A Banana", "My Mum Has A Ladydick" and the award-winning "Uncle Barney Let Me Touch His Boa Constrictor".

Sadly there are those who want to obstruct this freedom and inclusion. Your parents are likely among them. If you do find the "Oldies" are cramping your style by for example imposing curfews or limiting the age of your sleepover pals feel free to call our Big Brother Bigot Helpline (Number below) where a friendly adviser will take all their details in complete confidentiality and send the police round immediately. (Don't worry, you'll still be able to visit them in jail - and it's better than living with a bigot, isn't it?)

In the meantime if you need to talk to someone about expressing your diversity phone any of the organisations below for free confidential advice.

Freaks in Frocks Foundation

Lusty Libidinous Lesbos

Bestiality Boutique

Nonces In Nappies

Questionable Queer Quango

Kiddyfiddlers R Us

Sex Offenders Register

Guest Post: The SNP

An Apology

It has come to our attention that in recent years we may have inadvertently given the impression that we support Scottish independence. The fact that people have jumped to this erroneous conclusion is not entirely their fault; we recognise that using such ambivalent phrases as  "It's time to choose our future", "Scotland's future: Independence in Europe"  and the publishing of the 'Eleven Point Plan to Independence' have opened the door to ambivalence and confusion. 

For this reason we now issue a complete and full apology. It was never our intention to mislead the people of Scotland in a cynical attempt to win votes and keep the party in power. For the avoidance of doubt it should be clear going forward that any fundraisers entitled "Donate for Indy" or "Scotland's Right to Choose" refer to the individual's right to choose their gender, and the right of every cross dressing sex predator to access women's spaces.

I hope this gives clarity to the situation.

Yours for Scotland,

Nicola Sturgeon

SNP (Stonewall and Nonces Party)

The Trans Duckling - A fairy story for Christmas

Once upon a time there was a duck who laid a clutch of eggs. And the eggs hatched and all the fluffy baby ducklings were beautiful ...except one.

The Ugly Duckling was too big, too awkward, too scrawny. He looked at his brothers and sisters and thought "I don't belong here, I am a misfit. I am in the wrong body." The other ducklings laughed at him and that made him feel worse. So, in his sorrow, he decided to take himself away and he lived in a shed at the other side of the pond.

The long winter passed and one day the Ugly Duckling awoke and went to the pond for a drink. When he looked into the surface of the pond he saw the most amazing thing... He was no longer a duckling, but a fully grown...duck.

"Oh shit," he said as his brother and sister ducks arrived. "Looks like I really am a duck."

"Oh for Fuck's Sake," said his brother duck, "not this again. Look, why don't you put on this swan costume and call yourself a swan, and we'll all call you a swan too." And he produced a swan costume magically from nowhere. (This is after all a fairy story)

"Wow, thanks guys!" Said the Ugly Duck as he slipped the elegant swan costume over his head. "Now you'll all have to call me 'Mr Swanny Pants'."

"No," sighed his brother through gritted teeth. "We'll still call you a wanker."

And the moral of the story, boys and girls, is it is far better to learn to accept yourself as you are than to put on a swan costume and be called a wanker.

Sun Exclusive: "I'm not sorry" says Norman Bates.

Cross dressing former motel owner Norman Bates has hit out at critics tonight after the ghost of Marion Crane accused him of murdering her in a shower in the Hitchcock movie Psycho in 1966.

"I was defending myself from her transphobia," the serial killer claimed. "It's come to something when a mentally unbalanced victim of bigotry can't put on his murdered mother's clothes and slash someone to death in the privacy of his own motel."

Speaking from his cell in a maximum security prison for gratuitously violent movie characters, Bates, who now identifies as Norma, claimed he has been victimised by society for expressing who he is in the only way he knows how. "Everyone has a right to be what they are. And that includes knife wielding maniacs."

Exclusive: Clash Of The Scottish Titans

Today Happy Haverings is happy to bring you exclusive coverage of today's Clash of the Scottish Titans at Westminster as Scottish Secretary Alistair Jackboot and his Labour Party Shadow, Ian "I can't believe I'm not Tory" Murray, go head to head over the despatch box in a life or death struggle only before witnessed in crappy Hollywood blockbusters. 

Lindsay Hoyle (Speaker): Now it's time for Kick The SNP, I mean Questions to the Secretary of State for Scotland, Mrs Ruth Davidson.

Voice from the shadows: She couldn't come.

Speaker: Aw, couldn't she? In that case, please give a warm Westminster welcome to Mr Andrew Jackboot.

Rapturous applause from antiquated recording device, abruptly switched off by a clerk.

Speaker: We're 'avin' none o' that. First question from the Shadow Secretary of State for Kicking the SNP, Ian Money.  May God bless him and all who sail in him.

Murray: Thank you, Mr Speaker. And may I say how lovely you are looking in your gown and wig. It is my first time facing this Secretary of State at the despatch box and I just want to say Labour will do all it can to give constructive help to the government in kicking the SNP and undermine the Scottish Government. Does the Minister agree that Scotland is shit and anyone with any sense would be glad to get out of the place, as both he and I have done despite being told to work from home during a pandemic?

Jackboot: May I say I warmly welcome the Honourable Gentleman to his rightful place at the Despatch Box, he has been sadly missed during the dark days of Corbyn madness. I look forward to working with him to kick the SNP at every opportunity. Yes, I do agree that Scotland is shit and only worth the time of day when it's tacked onto the rest of the UK because we are Better and Stronger Together. I know the Honourable Gentleman and I are.

Murray: I thank the Minister for his kind words. But doesn't he agree that the Scottish Government is a disgrace and should be stopped by all means necessary?

Jackboot: Indeed, and it is a sad day that we here in this place are forced to waste tax payers money discussing how awful the Scottish Government is when this is a national scandal. Can I also add that the Honourable Gentleman is much better than Corbyn's lot and if I wasn't already married I'd be asking him out for a date. 

Murray: I thank the Minister for that answer. But would he go further and agree that the SNP are ruining Scotland by making it better than the rest of the UK, and therefore causing a dangerous rift in our precious United Kingdom?

Jackboot: Indeed. As my butler used to say, the only good Nat is a dead Nat.

Laughter from the House.

Jackboot (waving away the adulation): But seriously, in these dangerous times it has never been more important to Stay Alert, Work from Home and travel 350 miles to your phoney baloney job to put the boot into the SNP.

Coronavirus: A message from Your Leader.

I know that, looking at me now, you have every reason to be appalled and worried.
But I want you to remember that this great nation of ours has faced worse calamities in our history. Take Dunkirk, for example. That marvellous defeat taught us all what it meant to be British. Even as we ran away from the enemy we were proud of our great nation. So don't be afraid. I want to give you some simple guidelines to help keep your pecker up as we soldier through this giant muddle together.

First, it's imperative that you wash your hands. I myself have washed my hands of every responsibility I've ever had, and I heartily recommend it.

STAY AT HOME. This is imperative. Doctors have told us for years that going outside in the sunshine and fresh air is incredibly dangerous so don't take the risk. We are giving the police special powers to arrest anyone outside, unless they have a good reason like being a son of the Queen or a member of the cabinet.  Remember, these measures are for YOUR OWN GOOD, and anyone who disregards them must be psychotic and will be imprisoned indefinitely. We must use these draconian measures to protect the freedoms we all enjoy.

Now I know some of you love to visit your elderly and frail relatives, but that's got to stop too. They're far better off in solitary confinement, imprisoned in their bungalows, with the few pleasures they have in life curtailed, than having germ laden grandchildren invading their space. Have some consideration, and KEEP THEM SAFE.

Of course, even taking these necessary steps some of you will fall ill. In that case, it's even more important you self isolate and don't bother anyone, especially not the NHS who will be busy enough at this trying time. I know you've paid taxes all your life to pay for services like the NHS but now is not the time to quibble about politics. And whining that there aren't enough hospitals or ventilators is wholly inappropriate at this desperate time. STOP BEING SELFISH. THERE ARE PEOPLE WORSE OFF THAN YOU ARE, YOU KNOW.

Rest assured, in these difficult times my government will work tirelessly to give press conferences and issue confused and contradictory advice as the situation develops. It may be necessary to bring in some temporary emergency measures, like suspending elections and burying the Russian Interference report, but I can assure you these are imperative to protect my continued role as Prime Minister. Keep well, don't talk to strangers and above all, Keep Buying my Bullshit.